November 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is asking for the top security clearance for his children. Which seems like a risky move by Trump because it means Eric and Don Jr. will be able to get close enough to hug him.

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. Which means, come every Monday morning, he’ll have to shoo Hillary out from squatting in the Oval Office.

3. It is being reported that doctors are advising reality star Kim Kardashian against having a third baby. Presumably because then we’d only be one horseman shy.

4. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after getting a chopstick stuck in his penis. Said the man, “You’d think my fortune cookie would have said something about this.”
 
5. During a visit to the United Nations on Tuesday, a senior North Korean diplomat said his country does not care who the president of the United States is. And, according to last week’s election results, neither does this country.
 
6. Three Trump Place rental apartment buildings in New York City will be renamed after a group of residents started a petition take the name down. It’s the first time in Donald’s life his last name was legally dropped and he didn’t owe alimony.

7. A 38-year-old man got a tattoo of President-elect Donald Trump on his left calf. Which is pretty smart, because he did it before it became mandatory.

8. Students at the University of Virginia are asking the dean to stop quoting Thomas Jefferson in emails to the student body, despite the fact that he founded the school, because he owned slaves. Not to be outdone, the dean of Trump University also uses quotes from its school’s founder in his emails:email

9. Yesterday, People magazine named Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson as its Sexiest Man Alive. Which means Trump’s deportation list just got one name longer.

10. After her appearance Sunday on ’60 Minutes,’ Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company sent out an ‘Style Alert’ email advertising the $10,800 bracelet she wore on the show. And, in future news, welcome back to the State of the Union:qvc

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