September 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After last night’s first presidential debate many viewers came away saying that both candidates did little to help their image as they continued to lie. For instance, during the debate Donald Trump said he was never in favor of the Iraq war, while at one point Hillary Clinton said “It’s great to be here with you, Donald.”

2. During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said she had a feeling before the night was through that Donald Trump would say she was responsible for every bad thing that ever happened. Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, everyone knows that Ted Cruz’s father is responsible for JFK’s assassination.”

3. During Monday night’s debate, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he thinks he provided a great service to the country by getting President Obama to release his birth certificate. Luckily this time bone spurs didn’t get in the way of Trump serving his country.

4. Puppets resembling presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump squared off in New York City on Monday a few hours before the real debate. No word on who was working the Clinton and Trump puppets, but I’m gonna guess the big banks and Vladimir Putin respectively.

5. On Monday, Glenn Beck, a staunch Ted Cruz supporter in the 2016 GOP presidential race, apologized to listeners for backing Cruz after the Senator’s recent endorsement of Donald Trump. So add that to the long list of reasons to hate Ted Cruz, he made me like Glenn Beck.

6. Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday because she didn’t have credentials to be there. Marking the first time anyone has ever been rejected from Hofstra. (You’re a safety school at best, deal with it)

7. According to a new poll, Mexicans favor Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton over Republican Donald Trump by a 10-1 ratio. A 10-1 ratio of Mexicans, or, as Donald Trump calls it, his recurring nightmare.

8. A Shanghai restaurant has closed down a day after being awarded a coveted Michelin star. So, at this rate, Guy Fieri’s restaurant will be open forever.

9. The Backstreet Boys have announced plans to play a Las Vegas residency in 2017. In a city of gambling, the boy band will serve as a constant reminder to save your money.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to a child with his transgender wife. “So, which one of you is breastfeeding me?” said a very confused baby.

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