September 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It has been reported that pop icon Madonna bought her son a Donald Trump piñata. Which is Eric and Don Jr.’s best bet for their father to finally show up to one of their birthdays.

2. SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said Tuesday that a self-sustaining colony of people could be living on Mars within 50 to 150 years. “Sooner!” said people who watch the debate Monday night.

3. Following Monday night’s presidential debate, Republican candidate Donald Trump said he would attack Hillary Clinton more during the next debate by bringing up her husband’s infidelity, vowing to “hit her harder.” Said Bill, “That’s what she said.”
 
4.  Six senators on Tuesday demanded that Yahoo explain why hackers’ theft of user information for 500 million accounts two years ago came to light only last week. Said Yahoo, “Being just two years behind the times is why ahead of the curve for most Yahoo email users.”
 
5. On Tuesday, it was announced that the Americas became the first region in the world to eliminate the measles. “Alright, then I guess this is something else,” said Snooki.
 
6. Following Monday night’s debate, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump doubled-down on his criticism of Alicia Machado, a former Miss Universe, saying “she gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem.” Thus giving Melania a solid exit strategy.
 
7. Monday night, reality TV star Rob Kardashian, apparently angry at his little sister Kylie Jenner, tweeted out her cell phone number. Which isn’t that scandalous when you consider that it’s already written on most men’s bathroom stalls throughout the greater L.A. area.
 
8. A Muslim-American will appear in Playboy magazine’s October issue wearing a hijab. Said loyal Playboy readers, “Seriously, they could have been wearing them on their head all along and I never wouldn’t have noticed.”

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he does not think anyone over the age of 8 should put ketchup on their hotdog. “You’re not my dad and you’ll never be!” said Joe Biden as he ran up to his room and slammed the door.

10. An Illinois man pleaded guilty on Tuesday to hacking the e-mail accounts of many female celebrities and leaking nude photos of them online. The court proceedings went smoothly except at the start when the bailiff asked everyone to please rise and a couple of guys said they’d rather not.

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