Tag Archives: Lego

October 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Los Angeles Lakers fan has named his newborn son after rookie Lonzo Ball before Ball has even played his first professional game. “Yeah, you may want to wait just a little to see how his career shakes out,” said O.J. Levanthal.

2. Wednesday morning, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met with a group of students at Harvard University to discuss the state of American politics. Or, as it was advertised on campus, ‘Free breakfast.’

3. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ while wooing his wife Karen while in law school, Vice President Mike Pence took her ice-skating and made her taco salad for dinner. Or, as the Pences fondly refer to those days, their wild 20s.

4. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ feeling that Mike Pence was going to propose to her while they were dating, Karen Pence took to carrying around a gold cross with the word ‘yes’ engraved on it. A cross that she still carries today, but now she uses it to keep Eric at bay:

5. When asked on Tuesday if he heard Senator John McCains’s recent critical remarks, President Trump said, “I hear everything.” Which explains why Melania has taught herself to sign ’S.O.S.’

6. On Tuesday, Rob Kardashian’s ex-fiancee Blac Chyna sued the whole family alleging they “slut-shamed” her in an effort to “destroy her career.” Said Kim, “No, you got it all wrong, being a slut is what gets you a career.”

7. A man who was held by the Taliban for the past five years thought his captors were joking when they told him Donald Trump was president. Said the man, “Now I’m scared to ask about Bruce Jenner.”

8. Oreo has announced a new contest where people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their new mystery cream. The last time someone got $50,000 for tasting a mystery cream Harvey Weinstein forced them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

9. After Jay Y. Lee, the billionaire heir to Samsung Electronics, was jailed in February, the company has reported record profit. So now might be the best time to invest in the Trump Organization.

10. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ Vice President Mike Pence asked his wife Karen to marry him by hiding the ring in a loaf of bread they used to feed ducks. That story again, Mike Pence’s marriage proposal involved white bread and also a loaf of bread.

11. In a recently unearthed video clip, President Trump admits that young, attractive women are his addiction. Luckily, there’s a cure:

12. President Donald Trump said on Tuesday he believed Republicans had enough votes to pass a new healthcare bill. “Yeah, you definitely do,” said John McCain:

13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said, when she was younger, she went through a punk phase where she wore black clothes and makeup. Unfortunately it only made her father slightly less attracted to her.

14. On Wednesday, Lego unveiled a new set of figurines celebrating the women of NASA. Which reminds me of when Neil Armstrong said, “This is one small step for man….OUCH. What did I just step on!?! A fucking Lego! Brian, I thought I told you to clean this shit up!”

15. An attorney in Florida is arguing his client, who was found guilty of tax fraud, is too fat to go to jail. Which, I guess explains why Trump always gets two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.

16. Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother Greg Pence has filed the necessary paperwork to run for Congress. Which is why I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Pences entering the federal government until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

17. A Tennessee State University student faces charges after she was caught on video filling her roommate’s water bottle with toilet water. And, to make matters worse, she’s also being sued for patent infringement by Mountain Dew.

18. For the second year in a row, organizers of Milwaukee’s marathon got the distance of the course wrong. Said runners, “We don’t care how long the course is as long as it takes us out of Milwaukee.”

19. Last week, a cigar half-used by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill sold at auction for over $12,000. “What do you mean by ‘half-used cigars’?” asked Bill Clinton.

20. A couple in their 20s who were kicked out of a Tennessee bar last week for having sex in the bathroom, moved their rendezvous to a nearby Porta-Potty. And the most shocking part of that story is there’s a bar in Tennessee with indoor plumbing.

August 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he’s afraid that the upcoming presidential election will be rigged. “You’re really sending me some mixed messages here,” said Putin.

2. The musical “Cats” will return to Broadway this weekend after a 16 year absence. Everyone’s talking about it, specifically they’re saying, “We couldn’t get tickets to “Hamilton,” so we’re seeing “’Cats.'”

3. On Monday, Goldman Sachs predicted that the United States and China will win the most gold medals at this month’s Olympic Games. Goldman Sachs is so confident in their prediction that they’re willing to bet your house on it.

4. Four members of Australia’s women’s Olympic water polo team have been quarantined after suffering an attack of gastroenteritis. “Well, I quit,” said the guy in charge of cleaning the pools in Rio.

5. According to a new study, Rio de Janeiro’s air is dirty and deadlier than portrayed by authorities. Especially if you’re standing downwind of the Romanian weightlifting team.

6. Lego has developed a large model of Rio de Janeiro ahead of this week’s opening of the 2016 Olympic Games. Unfortunately, the builders were unable to finish the coastal water areas because they ran out of black bricks.

7. According to a state released by Flint, Michigan’s mayor on Monday, there will be no trash collection in the city until further notice. It’s not due to a lack of city resources, instead, the garbage men were having a really hard time figuring out what was garbage.

8. The newly crowned Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, is being accused of racism after old tweets where she repeatedly used the n-word surfaced. But, in Hay’s defense, she didn’t win Miss Congeniality.

9. On Monday, the New York Post published photos of Melania Trump posing naked and making out with another woman. Although, if your vote is gonna be swayed by the amount of ‘girl on girl’ photos the first spouse has, I’m pretty sure that’s a vote for Hillary.

10. Over the weekend, Golden State power forward Draymond Green accidentally posted a picture of his penis on social media. No word on whether the Warriors will cut him, but, at least according to the picture, it won’t be the first time he’s been cut.

May 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday, a professional baseball player in Japan won a year’s worth of beer after launching a homerun that hit a Kirin Beer sign in the stands. With all that free beer, let’s hope he’s not the designated hitter.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump accused Democratic rival Hillary Clinton of being “nasty and mean” to the women who slept with her husband. Which is a completely foreign concept to Trump, being ‘nasty and mean’ to women for any reason other than the fact that they are women.

3. A dating website called Maple Match is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So I’m just gonna assume it was started by Marla Maples.

4. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So, in the future, many Bernie Sanders supporters may still feel the burn, but this time it’ll be from frostbite.

5. Scientists have invented a product they are calling a ‘second skin’ that can be applied to a person’s body to reduce wrinkles. Which is great news for anyone who owns a pug but really wants a chihuahua.

6. On Wednesday, the Buffalo Bills announced that they will retire the number of Thurman Thomas, the second-best running back in franchise history, who was known for his slashing style of running. The franchise’s leading running back, O.J. Simpson, has not had his number retired because of his slashing style of everything else.

7. Pop star Taylor Swift was honored with the first ever ‘Taylor Swift Award’ on Tuesday at the BMI Pop Awards 2016. “Everybody knows I should have won that award!” said Kanye.

8. The world’s largest Lego store opened in Shanghai on Wednesday. It would have opened early, but they couldn’t find one of those 2-by-4 bricks to finish the building.

9. There is a new dating site called “Awake Dating,” that aims to match up conspiracy theorists. Asking a bunch paranoid wackos to fill out a profile full of personal information and put it on the internet, solid business plan, what could go wrong?

10. A Florida woman was arrested early Wednesday on allegations of stealing a bagel truck in Orlando and leading authorities on a three-county joyride. But, to be fair, it was a Lenders Bagel truck.