August 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he’s afraid that the upcoming presidential election will be rigged. “You’re really sending me some mixed messages here,” said Putin.

2. The musical “Cats” will return to Broadway this weekend after a 16 year absence. Everyone’s talking about it, specifically they’re saying, “We couldn’t get tickets to “Hamilton,” so we’re seeing “’Cats.'”

3. On Monday, Goldman Sachs predicted that the United States and China will win the most gold medals at this month’s Olympic Games. Goldman Sachs is so confident in their prediction that they’re willing to bet your house on it.

4. Four members of Australia’s women’s Olympic water polo team have been quarantined after suffering an attack of gastroenteritis. “Well, I quit,” said the guy in charge of cleaning the pools in Rio.

5. According to a new study, Rio de Janeiro’s air is dirty and deadlier than portrayed by authorities. Especially if you’re standing downwind of the Romanian weightlifting team.

6. Lego has developed a large model of Rio de Janeiro ahead of this week’s opening of the 2016 Olympic Games. Unfortunately, the builders were unable to finish the coastal water areas because they ran out of black bricks.

7. According to a state released by Flint, Michigan’s mayor on Monday, there will be no trash collection in the city until further notice. It’s not due to a lack of city resources, instead, the garbage men were having a really hard time figuring out what was garbage.

8. The newly crowned Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, is being accused of racism after old tweets where she repeatedly used the n-word surfaced. But, in Hay’s defense, she didn’t win Miss Congeniality.

9. On Monday, the New York Post published photos of Melania Trump posing naked and making out with another woman. Although, if your vote is gonna be swayed by the amount of ‘girl on girl’ photos the first spouse has, I’m pretty sure that’s a vote for Hillary.

10. Over the weekend, Golden State power forward Draymond Green accidentally posted a picture of his penis on social media. No word on whether the Warriors will cut him, but, at least according to the picture, it won’t be the first time he’s been cut.

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