June 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, President Obama designated the Stonewall Inn in New York City as the country’s first national LGBT monument. Making it the eleventh national monument that J. Edgar Hoover wore a dress in.

2. Apartment-sharing startup Airbnb is in talks for a new round of funding that would value the company at $30 billion. “I wish I was able to monetize people waking up in strangers’ beds,” said Bill Cosby.

3. Former rap producer Suge Knight sued singer Chris Brown on Monday in connection with a shooting at a Hollywood nightclub in 2014 that left him wounded. Although, that doesn’t sound like the work of Brown considering Knight is a guy.

4. When asked by an Irish minister if she was well, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth replied, “Well, I’m still alive. “Well, tomorrow’s another day,” said Prince Charles.

5. On Tuesday, the Columbus International Airport was officially named after astronaut John Glenn. Not surprising that they named the airport after an astronaut, because when you find yourself in Columbus, your instinct is to get as far away as humanly possible.

6. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will appear as a hero in an upcoming Marvel comic book. Because, apparently, Marvel didn’t learn its lesson regarding Canadians playing superheroes after Ryan Reynolds’ turn “Green Lantern.”

7. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Apparently, justing making one film left too many open questions, like “Why did you make this?” and “How did this happen?”

8. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. The news was met with many angry birds:
middle finger

9. An artist in Arkansas is selling a life-sized dummy of presidential candidate Donald Trump for $895. The doll has a feathered wig and an orange-painted face, in other words, it’s extremely lifelike.

10. According to the Washington Post, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has only donated $10,000 to charity in the past ten years. Although, to be fair, giving jobs to Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman should count as charity.

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