August 31, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, social media personality and self-proclaimed “conspiracy analyst” Michael Lebron, visited President Trump in the Oval Office. That story again, the White House hosted a noted conspiracy theorist and some dude named Michael Lebron.

2. There is a rumor circulating that President Trump fathered an illegitimate child. “I categorically deny all allegations that that child is mine,” said President Trump of Eric.

3. A disgruntled New York Knicks fan auctioned off his fandom for $3,450 and will spend the coming season rooting for the Los Angeles Lakers. And he has a point, the Knicks are such a terrible organization and so bad at making deals, they some how owe $3,000 of that $3,450 fee. 

4. Comedian Eddie Murphy announced that he will become a dad for the tenth time at the age of 57. Sounds like Eddie might want to be a little less nutty of a professor.

5. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was not invited to this week’s memorial services for John McCain. But, to be fair, she’s already buried him once:

6. A juror who voted to convict Paul Manafort and who is also a Trump supporter said it would be a mistake for the President to pardon Manafort. Adding, “And I know mistakes, I voted for Trump.”

7. Republican Senator James Inhofe told reporters Monday that the late Senator John McCain was “partially to blame” for the controversy over the raising the American flag at the White House after flying at half-mast for only one day. Look, I don’t believe you should speak ill of the dead, luckily that shithead James Inhofe is still alive, so fuck him.

8. A study published Monday found that low levels of chemicals in marijuana were measurable in several mothers’ breast milk up to six days after they said they smoked pot. Which I guess explains why most babies just lie around all day and do nothing.

9. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” That story again, President Trump definitely Googles himself every day.

10. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” Other things that Trump thinks are rigged include elections, Time’s Man of the Year award, and mirrors.

11. Boston Red Sox star J.D. Martinez stood behind a 2013 Instagram post that attributed a fake quote to Adolf Hitler. Even worse, this is the quote:

12. According to a new study, 1 in 50 airplane passengers meet the love of their life on board an plane. While the other 49 end up sitting next to this guy:

13. President Trump on Tuesday unblocked some Twitter users after a federal judge said preventing people from following him violated individuals constitutional rights. So to those recently unblocked Twitter users I say “Congratulations?”

14. According to the CDC, rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia have climbed for the fourth consecutive year in the United States. That story again, seems like Colin Farrell is back to dating.

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