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July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

January 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, the U.S. Mint and Treasury introduced a new gold coin that features the image of an African-American Lady Liberty. Unsurprisingly, Thomas Jefferson, who is on the two dollar bill, has already hit on her.

2. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin on his first foreign trip as president. Now comes the hard part, picking the perfect bed and breakfast.

3. After the ‘Washington Post’ spotted Mike Pence at a local Safeway, the Vice President-elect tweeted “when Mrs. Pence asks me to pick up ice cream, I pick up ice cream.” And, if Mrs. Pence’s taste in ice cream is anything like her taste in men, I’m guessing he picked up a tub of plain vanilla.

4. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. Which is great news for anyone who has misplaced their “Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 5” tape.

5. President Barack Obama will hold a news conference in the briefing room at the White House Wednesday afternoon. It will mark Obama’s last news conference as president and the last presidential news conference, for at least the four years, where CNN will be able to ask a question.

6. An Uber driver in Connecticut has been arrested after allegedly using a rider’s credit card to buy $519 worth of Viagra. Not surprising that an Uber driver needed help getting a Lyft.

7. Opera star Andrea Bocelli backed out of singing at Donald Trump’s inauguration after receiving death threats. Although, considering Trump will soon be the leader of the free world, wouldn’t it be more appropriate if a fat lady sings.

8. Actor Tom Arnold is threatening to release incriminating tapes of Donald Trump once he becomes president. And I trust that he’s telling the truth because no one knows more about releases that go straight to tape than Tom Arnold.

9. Incoming White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said on Sunday that President-elect Donald Trump’s team is considering moving the White House press briefing room from the West Wing to another location that accommodates more media. Said Priebus, “They have been freeing a lot of room over at Guantanamo Bay.”

10. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that ‘Saturday Night Live’ is the worst show on NBC. Which means ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ is gonna need a new tagline:
carson-daly

November 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. U.S. counterintelligence chief Bill Evanina said on Wednesday he was skeptical China had followed through on recent promises to curb spying on the United States. “Yes we have,” said a disembodied voice coming from somewhere.

2. Lewis Kent, the current record holder in the beer mile, in which runners drink four beers over the course of a mile, has signed a shoe deal with retailer Brooks. Unsurprisingly, the deal is for only one shoe.

3. Facebook said it erroneously disabled the personal account of a user named Isis Anchalee for about a day because her name is spelt the same as the acronym used for the Islamic State extremist group. “Shit, we’ll take the real ISIS, I’m just so lonely,” said Tom from MySpace.

4. According to a new study, pigeons are as accurate at spotting cancer as medically trained pathologists and radiologists. Which may explain why all those pigeons hung around Mike Tyson.

5. Yesterday, United States captain Davis Love III appointed 14-times major winner Tiger Woods as one of his vice-captains for next year’s Ryder Cup. Said Love, “No one puts the ‘vice’ in ‘vice-captain’ quite like Tiger Woods.”

6. Ride hailing app Lyft is running a promotion where users can get a discount on singer Justin Bieber’s newest album. Said a spokesperson for Lyft, “We’re trying to go out of business.”

7. In an interview this week, Governor Chris Christie said New Jersey will not accept Syrian refugees. “Agreed!” said Syrian refugees.

8. This week, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that American should close its borders to Syrian refugees and “needs to wake up and smell the falafel.” Although, by the looks of Mike Huckabee, he’s been doing a lot more than just smelling that falafel.

9. According to the latest polls, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz are the only Republican candidates with double-digit support. “Technically speaking, 0.1% is two digits,” said Lindsey Graham.

10. A nine-year-old in Florida is being threatened with sexual harassment charges after continuously passing love notes in class to girls he has a crush on. Even more brazen, he hasn’t gotten his cootie shot.