January 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the U.S. Mint and Treasury introduced a new gold coin that features the image of an African-American Lady Liberty. Unsurprisingly, Thomas Jefferson, who is on the two dollar bill, has already hit on her.

2. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin on his first foreign trip as president. Now comes the hard part, picking the perfect bed and breakfast.

3. After the ‘Washington Post’ spotted Mike Pence at a local Safeway, the Vice President-elect tweeted “when Mrs. Pence asks me to pick up ice cream, I pick up ice cream.” And, if Mrs. Pence’s taste in ice cream is anything like her taste in men, I’m guessing he picked up a tub of plain vanilla.

4. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. Which is great news for anyone who has misplaced their “Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 5” tape.

5. President Barack Obama will hold a news conference in the briefing room at the White House Wednesday afternoon. It will mark Obama’s last news conference as president and the last presidential news conference, for at least the four years, where CNN will be able to ask a question.

6. An Uber driver in Connecticut has been arrested after allegedly using a rider’s credit card to buy $519 worth of Viagra. Not surprising that an Uber driver needed help getting a Lyft.

7. Opera star Andrea Bocelli backed out of singing at Donald Trump’s inauguration after receiving death threats. Although, considering Trump will soon be the leader of the free world, wouldn’t it be more appropriate if a fat lady sings.

8. Actor Tom Arnold is threatening to release incriminating tapes of Donald Trump once he becomes president. And I trust that he’s telling the truth because no one knows more about releases that go straight to tape than Tom Arnold.

9. Incoming White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said on Sunday that President-elect Donald Trump’s team is considering moving the White House press briefing room from the West Wing to another location that accommodates more media. Said Priebus, “They have been freeing a lot of room over at Guantanamo Bay.”

10. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that ‘Saturday Night Live’ is the worst show on NBC. Which means ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ is gonna need a new tagline:
carson-daly

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