January 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday the World Champion Chicago Cubs visited the White House, on Tuesday actress Betty White turns 95 and on Friday Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. So this week if you use the phrase, “I never thought I’d live to see the day,” you’re gonna have to be more specific.

2. Taco Bell has added an item to its menu that uses fried chicken instead of a taco shell called the Naked Chicken Chalupa. You can wander into any Taco Bell, go to the counter and either order it by name or just say “I give up.”
 
3. Last week, scientists in Japan observed a male snow monkey attempting to have sex with a female sika deer in a rare example of interspecies mating. But, in the monkey’s defense, it was really late, he had had a few and the bartender just announced ‘last call.’

4. ‘The People’s Choice Awards’ will air this Wednesday on CBS. And, considering the way things went the last time the people were allowed to decide, let me be the first to congratulate Best Picture of the Year winner “Dirty Grandpa.”

5. Yesterday, actor Rob Schneider was slammed on Twitter after attempting to explain the historical significance of Martin Luther King Jr. to civil rights activist John Lewis on Martin Luther King Day. The appropriate response would be to boycott all things Rob Schneider, but I’m pretty sure everyone’s already been doing that for the past twenty years anyway.
 
6. The German government said on Monday that Chancellor Angela Merkel is working to set a date this spring for a meeting with Donald Trump. Said Trump, “I could probably squeeze you in between my 1:00 with Right Said Fred and my 1:30 with that kid from Jerry Maguire.”

7. According to a new study, when you scramble a person’s name it means you love or at the very least have some affection for them. Which explains why Donald Trump has never once gotten Eric or Don Jr’s names wrong.

8. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. Doctors call her “a one in a million case” while Melania calls her “lucky.”

9. Yesterday, the B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen cover band scheduled to play at Donald Trump’s inauguration, backed out. I usually wouldn’t believe it when a bunch of middle-aged guys in a cover band canceled plans by saying they have some place better to be, but, in this case, I do.
 
10. A company called OpenBiome is offering $13,000 to anyone who agrees to ship their poop to them. And I, like a sucker, have been anonymously sending my shit to Ted Cruz in the mail for free for years.

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