10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:

2. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

3. The World Champion Chicago Cubs will visit the White House on Monday, just four days before President-elect Donald Trump takes office. Ah, I remember a simpler time when ‘World Champion Chicago Cubs’ would have been the craziest part of that sentence.

4. During yesterday’s news conference, President-elect Donald Trump’s attorney, Sheri Dillon, said that “no new foreign deals will be made [by the Trump Organization] whatsoever during President Trump’s Presidency.” Which means Melania can’t be replaced for at least the next four years. 

5. Leading women from politics, the arts and other fields urged President-elect Donald Trump on Monday to support a new national women’s museum in Washington. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, D.C. already has a Hooters.”

6. DNA traces found on plastic bands used to tie the wrists of Kim Kardashian helped French police arrest 17 suspects in connection with the October gunpoint robbery of the reality tv star in Paris. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last, time that Kim was wiped down for someone else’s DNA.

7. Utah state senator Todd Weiler introduced a bill last week that would allow people to sue the pornography industry for emotional and psychological damage. “What about physical damage?” said a Utah man with carpal tunnel.

8. ECommerce giant Amazon has filed a patent for airborne warehouse blimps that use drones to deliver packages. Although, word of advice, maybe don’t stock Samsung phones there:

9. According to CNN, conservative author and television personality Monica Crowley, whom Donald Trump has tapped for a role in his cabinet, plagiarized large sections of her 2012 book. But don’t worry, her new cabinet role is Melania’s speech writer.

10. Tilikum, the orca who killed several people and was featured in the documentary “Blackfish,” died on Friday at SeaWorld in Florida. So good luck to whichever employee has to flush that sucker down the toilet.

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