November 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. U.S. counterintelligence chief Bill Evanina said on Wednesday he was skeptical China had followed through on recent promises to curb spying on the United States. “Yes we have,” said a disembodied voice coming from somewhere.

2. Lewis Kent, the current record holder in the beer mile, in which runners drink four beers over the course of a mile, has signed a shoe deal with retailer Brooks. Unsurprisingly, the deal is for only one shoe.

3. Facebook said it erroneously disabled the personal account of a user named Isis Anchalee for about a day because her name is spelt the same as the acronym used for the Islamic State extremist group. “Shit, we’ll take the real ISIS, I’m just so lonely,” said Tom from MySpace.

4. According to a new study, pigeons are as accurate at spotting cancer as medically trained pathologists and radiologists. Which may explain why all those pigeons hung around Mike Tyson.

5. Yesterday, United States captain Davis Love III appointed 14-times major winner Tiger Woods as one of his vice-captains for next year’s Ryder Cup. Said Love, “No one puts the ‘vice’ in ‘vice-captain’ quite like Tiger Woods.”

6. Ride hailing app Lyft is running a promotion where users can get a discount on singer Justin Bieber’s newest album. Said a spokesperson for Lyft, “We’re trying to go out of business.”

7. In an interview this week, Governor Chris Christie said New Jersey will not accept Syrian refugees. “Agreed!” said Syrian refugees.

8. This week, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that American should close its borders to Syrian refugees and “needs to wake up and smell the falafel.” Although, by the looks of Mike Huckabee, he’s been doing a lot more than just smelling that falafel.

9. According to the latest polls, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz are the only Republican candidates with double-digit support. “Technically speaking, 0.1% is two digits,” said Lindsey Graham.

10. A nine-year-old in Florida is being threatened with sexual harassment charges after continuously passing love notes in class to girls he has a crush on. Even more brazen, he hasn’t gotten his cootie shot.

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