December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

August 31, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, social media personality and self-proclaimed “conspiracy analyst” Michael Lebron, visited President Trump in the Oval Office. That story again, the White House hosted a noted conspiracy theorist and some dude named Michael Lebron.

2. There is a rumor circulating that President Trump fathered an illegitimate child. “I categorically deny all allegations that that child is mine,” said President Trump of Eric.

3. A disgruntled New York Knicks fan auctioned off his fandom for $3,450 and will spend the coming season rooting for the Los Angeles Lakers. And he has a point, the Knicks are such a terrible organization and so bad at making deals, they some how owe $3,000 of that $3,450 fee. 

4. Comedian Eddie Murphy announced that he will become a dad for the tenth time at the age of 57. Sounds like Eddie might want to be a little less nutty of a professor.

5. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was not invited to this week’s memorial services for John McCain. But, to be fair, she’s already buried him once:

6. A juror who voted to convict Paul Manafort and who is also a Trump supporter said it would be a mistake for the President to pardon Manafort. Adding, “And I know mistakes, I voted for Trump.”

7. Republican Senator James Inhofe told reporters Monday that the late Senator John McCain was “partially to blame” for the controversy over the raising the American flag at the White House after flying at half-mast for only one day. Look, I don’t believe you should speak ill of the dead, luckily that shithead James Inhofe is still alive, so fuck him.

8. A study published Monday found that low levels of chemicals in marijuana were measurable in several mothers’ breast milk up to six days after they said they smoked pot. Which I guess explains why most babies just lie around all day and do nothing.

9. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” That story again, President Trump definitely Googles himself every day.

10. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” Other things that Trump thinks are rigged include elections, Time’s Man of the Year award, and mirrors.

11. Boston Red Sox star J.D. Martinez stood behind a 2013 Instagram post that attributed a fake quote to Adolf Hitler. Even worse, this is the quote:

12. According to a new study, 1 in 50 airplane passengers meet the love of their life on board an plane. While the other 49 end up sitting next to this guy:

13. President Trump on Tuesday unblocked some Twitter users after a federal judge said preventing people from following him violated individuals constitutional rights. So to those recently unblocked Twitter users I say “Congratulations?”

14. According to the CDC, rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia have climbed for the fourth consecutive year in the United States. That story again, seems like Colin Farrell is back to dating.

October 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. “No one said there would be steps involved,” said a winded Chris Christie.
2. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Trump equated it to going from an Ivanka to a Tiffany.
3. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Hey, Don, your father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a step down for everyone.
4. On Thursday, insurance giant MetLife announced that it will no longer be using Snoopy, Charlie Brown or any other members of the Peanuts gang in its ad campaigns. Although, it seems like they could have broke the news to Charlie in a nicer way:

5. After Wednesday night’s third presidential debate, actor Stephen Baldwin, speaking about his brother Alec’s portrayal of Donald Trump on SNL, said, “I don’t think it’s very funny. I don’t think there’s anything funny about this election.” And Stephen knows a little something about unfunny, he starred in ‘Bio-Dome.’
6. According to the Center for Disease Control, last year reported cases of STDs reached a record high in America. And, in possibly related news, last year Ben Affleck got divorced.

7. On Thursday, zoo officials announced that Bao Bao, the female giant panda, will leave the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. next year and move to China under a breeding agreement. Although, maybe Bao Bao would have gotten more action stateside if you stopped referring to her as a ‘giant’ panda.

8. A truck competing in a NASCAR race this Saturday in Talladega will be covered in the Trump Pence 2016 campaign logo. Also representing the Trump campaign, any truck that catches on fire and continues to run the race.

9. A man in the U.K. is standing trial on child cruelty charges for farting in a boy’s face. He’s lawyer plans to go with the notorious “whoever smelt it, dealt it” defense.

10. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. “I knew this tasted familiar,” said Paris Hilton.

11. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. The first step in every recipe is to “whisk well.”

12. An New Jersey high school student was injured when she jumped out a second-story window to avoid taking a test Wednesday morning. She didn’t think she would get injured, so, I guess, either way, she failed her physics test.
13. Ringling Brothers is upset that people constantly refer to this year’s presidential election as ‘a circus.’ Although, referring to Donald Trump as a ‘three-ring circus’ is not inaccurate:

14. According to a new study, New York is the second most rat infested city in America. And, I for one, blame this entirely on lazy bodega cats.

15. Malaysian Airlines is in talks to rent out its A380 superjumbos to religious travel groups for Haj and Umrah pilgrimages. Which is a great idea because, even in the worst case scenario, they’ll just get to Mecca quicker.

16. According to a new poll, 36% of Colorado residents said they would kill someone for money. So, for the love of God, will someone please check on the other 64%.
17. Scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The ghost cat festival or, as it is known in Japan, the Goodbye Kitty festival.
18. Samantha Holvey, a former Miss Universe contestant from North Carolina, claims that then-pageant owner Donald Trump personally inspected each woman before the contest. Or, as Melania knows it, a first date.

19. A new report claims, more than 1,300 elderly people go missing in China every day. And, in a unrelated story, Princes Charles has graciously bought his mother, Queen Elizabeth, and all-expenses paid vacation to China.

20. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. But, on the plus-side, he now has a full bottle of shampoo.

July 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new NBC poll, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has 0% support among African American voters in Ohio. And, if anyone knows something about zero black people, it’s NBC:

2. Last night was the 500th episode of “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Fallon credits his show’s success to fun bits, positive, inclusive humor and not having Jay Leno as a lead-in.

3. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is looking for a vice president who has the skills and experience that he lacks. So the question becomes, where do you find a likable, mute who doesn’t want to bone his own daughter?

5. The Center for Disease Control is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the U.S. to determine how long the Zika virus lasts in bodily fluids. Scientists will gather the hundreds of semen samples by taking a mop onto the G train.

6. A new study concludes that humans are still evolving. The study was conducted anywhere but the South.

7. The Republican Party will declare internet pornography a “public health crisis” when its platform is revealed next week at the convention. Still cool with guns though.

8. A woman was arrested last week for threatening to kill famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “Back off, I got this,” said Mother Nature.

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he dreams of opening a t-shirt shop in Hawaii once his term in office is through. And you thought Obama had problems making a deal with Putin before:

10. A selection of outfits worn by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has gone on display at Buckingham Palace as part of an exhibition marking the monarch’s 90th birthday. Unfortunately, it seems like they didn’t leave the Queen with a lot of options in her closet:

11. President Obama joined Hillary Clinton at a campaign rally in North Carolina last week, telling voters he was ready to “pass the baton” to his former secretary of state. Which is odd because, when it comes to track and field, Hillary always struck me more as a shot-putter:
shot put

12. Last week, the Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the Ku Klux Klan is legally allowed to adopt a highway. Which explains why, after being re-tarred, the 505 was also covered in feathers.

13. While testifying before Congress regarding Hillary Clinton’s emails, FBI director James Comey revealed that former General David Petreaus hid documents in the insulation of his attic while being investigated. Said Mrs. Clinton, “That’s crazy, I’d never do that because, in order to make room for the docs, I’d have to move Vince Foster’s body.”

14. Last week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz accepted an invitation from former rival Donald Trump to speak at this month’s Republican National Convention. As a result, the convention has been moved from Cleveland to here:
skull island

15. The world’s oldest male twins, Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, turned 103 last week. The brothers made a wish, blew out their candles, saw the other one was still alive and said in unison, “my wish didn’t come true.”

16. Lawyers for Gretchen Carlson, who is suing Fox News boss Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, say Ailes is the “Bill Cosby of media.” Said Cosby, “That’s not fair, I was on TV too.”

17. An Ambulance driver in Virginia got lost on the way to the hospital while transporting a dying man. Luckily he knew exactly how to get to the morgue.

18. More than 3,000 people stripped naked and were painted blue on Saturday in the U.K. to be part of a mass human artwork. “This is my nightmare,” said Gargamel.

19. A fan got punched in the face by a rider during the eighth stage of the Tour de France. That’s crazy, there’s a fan of bike riding?

20. There has been an increase in the amount of whale sightings in the waters near New York City, including the East River. Experts attribute the uptick to whales not paying off their gambling debts.

March 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the NFL said the so-called Gronkowski cruise, in which Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski made a paid appearance on a four-day cruise Norwegian Cruise, is not being investigated by the league. Although, the cruise is being investigated by the Center for Disease Control.

2. Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question during a case for the first time in over 10 years. Unfortunately, it was “Did anyone call dibs on Scalia’s robe?”

3. According to a new study, women in many U.S. states are given misleading information in state-issued brochures when they seek abortions. Specifically, the brochure entitled “So You’re Going to Hell.”

4. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, host Chris Rock invited members of his daughters’ Girl Scout troop into the Dolby Theater mid-show to sell boxes of cookies to the seated stars. “Of course it’s the year I’m not nominated,” said a visibly upset Jonah Hill.

5. According to national ratings data, 34.3 million Americans watched the 2016 Oscars ceremony on Sunday, the smallest TV audience in eight years. But part of that’s because they counted Jada Pinkett Smith as three people.

6. After being nominated four times, Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar on Sunday, taking home the best actor statuette for his role in “The Revenant.” So finally things are looking up for this guy:

7. According to a new study, people with a history of fainting spells or blackouts may be more likely to get into car crashes than the typical driver. The study was conducted by following Billy Joel around for a week.

8. In a new book called “Dear Pope Francis,” the Pope answers 31 drawings and questions posed by children from around the world. Although, to be fair, most of the kids’ drawings where just police outlines about where the priests had touched them.

9. According to a new study, women may experience small benefits from a drug approved last year to treat low sexual desire, but are at a high risk of experiencing unpleasant side effects. Although, on the plus side, now when you say “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” you may actually be telling the truth.

10. Businessman Tokyo Sexwale withdrew from the FIFA presidential race minutes before last Friday’s vote. Which makes sense, because anytime I attempt a tokyo sexwale, I always make sure to end it by pulling out.