Tag Archives: Zodiac killer

May 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The head of Apple’s marketing department said that iPhone and iPad names should never be pluralized, it’s grammatically incorrect. Which is not a problem for Microsoft’s Zune, because no one has ever owned one, let alone two.

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said gay people are “probably born gay.” ”Disagree,” said men who have gazed deeply into Ryan Gosling’s eyes.

3. A high school teacher in Tennessee was suspended last week for showing her class the movie “Human Centipede 2.” But, in her defense, she had to because “Human Centipede 1” left so many questions unanswered for the students.

4. According to a new study, a stressful day may make a child more prone to an asthma attack at night while they sleep. Said Chinese kids who work in the Apple plant, “You get to sleep?”

5. Last week, two fishermen in the U.K. used their late friend’s ashes as bait to reel in a 180-pound carp. That story again, dead man needed better friends.

6. Saturday night, Kendall Jenner attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in Washington D.C. Which means, for once, there was someone in D.C. who worked less days last year than Congress.

7. Saturday night, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where the press corp and the president poke fun at each other. Sanders said he enjoyed himself and can’t wait to be back next year, so I guess he’s applying for a job at the Washington Post.

8. During Saturday night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, host and comedian Larry Wilmore repeatedly accused Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz of being the Zodiac Killer. Which is sadly some of the better press Cruz has gotten recently.

9. Last week, a 100-year-old grandmother in the U.K. served as a bridesmaid at her grand-daughter’s wedding. Which is a shame, because if they had waited just a few more weeks, she probably could have counted as their something old and something blue.

10. A new practice is undergoing research that is called post-mortem sperm extraction in which viable sperm is taken from a dead body and stored within 48 hours after a man’s death. And, in related news, a bunch of really lonely guys have started faking their own deaths.

May 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While speaking at a conference last week, Republican strategist Karl Rove hinted that Hillary Clinton may not make a good President due to a brain injury she may have suffered as a result of a blood clot in 2012. Which is why Rove supports a Sarah Palin 2016 run for the White House, because you can’t injury something you never had.

2. The U.S became the world’s biggest market for wine last year, beating second-place France for the first time ever. Experts attribute this rise in wine consumption to the addition of a fifth hour to “the Today Show.”

3. The author of a new book released on Tuesday claims he is the son of the notorious Zodiac killer, an unidentified serial killer who terrorized Northern California in the late 1960s. “Wanna trade?” said Ronan Farrow.

4. Actress Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for her role in the upcoming “Star Wars” film. So it’s safe to assume this movie takes place in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far away.

5. AT&T is in talks to buy satellite TV provider DirecTV and may finalize a deal as soon as tomorrow that could be worth close to $50 billion. Unless, of course, it’s cloudy tomorrow, then the deal will be closer to $10 billion.

6. Seattle police are looking for a man suspected of stealing a toilet tank from a Subway bathroom while workers prepared his family’s meal. Begging the question, where is this magical Subway that lets customers use its bathroom?

7. According to a report released on Monday, U.S. students read, but not well or often. Or, as it was reported by U.S. students, we read, but not good or ever.

8. An air safety regulator said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone above Florida earlier this year. Said Delta, “See, there are some advantages to always being delayed and never actually taking off.”

9. A planned Lady Gaga concert in Dubai will be censored out of respect to local cultural traditions. And, out of respect to Lady Gaga, the locals will wait until after the concert to stone her to death.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin was arrested Tuesday for disorderly conduct stemming from an argument with a police officer who was issuing the actor a summons for riding his bicycle against traffic in New York City. “Whoa, look who it is,” said his cellmate Stephen Baldwin.