May 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The head of Apple’s marketing department said that iPhone and iPad names should never be pluralized, it’s grammatically incorrect. Which is not a problem for Microsoft’s Zune, because no one has ever owned one, let alone two.

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said gay people are “probably born gay.” ”Disagree,” said men who have gazed deeply into Ryan Gosling’s eyes.

3. A high school teacher in Tennessee was suspended last week for showing her class the movie “Human Centipede 2.” But, in her defense, she had to because “Human Centipede 1” left so many questions unanswered for the students.

4. According to a new study, a stressful day may make a child more prone to an asthma attack at night while they sleep. Said Chinese kids who work in the Apple plant, “You get to sleep?”

5. Last week, two fishermen in the U.K. used their late friend’s ashes as bait to reel in a 180-pound carp. That story again, dead man needed better friends.

6. Saturday night, Kendall Jenner attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in Washington D.C. Which means, for once, there was someone in D.C. who worked less days last year than Congress.

7. Saturday night, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where the press corp and the president poke fun at each other. Sanders said he enjoyed himself and can’t wait to be back next year, so I guess he’s applying for a job at the Washington Post.

8. During Saturday night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, host and comedian Larry Wilmore repeatedly accused Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz of being the Zodiac Killer. Which is sadly some of the better press Cruz has gotten recently.

9. Last week, a 100-year-old grandmother in the U.K. served as a bridesmaid at her grand-daughter’s wedding. Which is a shame, because if they had waited just a few more weeks, she probably could have counted as their something old and something blue.

10. A new practice is undergoing research that is called post-mortem sperm extraction in which viable sperm is taken from a dead body and stored within 48 hours after a man’s death. And, in related news, a bunch of really lonely guys have started faking their own deaths.

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