May 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, a four-by-four foot sink hole formed in front of President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. That story again, Trump still has a direct line of communication with Roger Ailes.

2. It is being reported that fans at future Las Vegas Raiders NFL games will be able to legally place bets on their phones from inside the planned 65,000 seat stadium. “That’s crazy,” said the Cleveland Browns, “How do you get fans into your stadium?”

3. A big game hunter in Africa died after a shot elephant fell on him. The coroner listed his cause of death as “two tons of irony.”

4. A new study found that cannibalism may lead to dementia. Either way, a brain is a terrible thing to waste.

5. On Friday, committee leaders announced that Former FBI Director James Comey will testify publicly before the Senate intelligence committee. “Can I fire him again?” asked Trump.

6. A 6-year-old boy from Japan has set the Guinness Record for youngest club DJ in the world. He also set the record for world’s smallest douchebag.

7. According to reports, the Trump administration is exploring whether it can use an obscure ethics rule to undermine the appointment of Special Counsel Robert Mueller. But, first thing’s first, they have to google ‘what are ethics?’

8. On Monday, Tokyo Olympic organizers announced a competition to design the mascots for the 2020 Olympic and Paralympic Games. So far the leading candidate for the Olympic Games is a panda and for the Paralympic Games a panda that lived next to the Fukushima power plant.

9. When President Trump met Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi over the weekend, Trump reportedly complimented el-Sisi on his shoes. Presumably because he doesn’t have tits to compliment.

10. Cornell University will honor former-Vice President Joe Biden and his well-known love for ice cream by naming a new flavor in his honor. Thus making Chris Christie even more pissed that Trump didn’t make him VP.

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