October 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, before the last presidential debate in Las Vegas, many of Donald Trump’s advisors went to a strip club. Many, but not all:
buffet

2. On Monday, President Obama said he has seen the infamous Access Hollywood bus tape featuring Billy Bush and Donald Trump. Which means even Billy Bush made it inside the White House before Jeb.

3. According to a new study, women experiencing menopause symptoms like hot flashes and sleeping problems do better if they have a comfortable workplace and a supportive boss. In other words, Omarosa is fucked.

4. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama revealed that he has an iPhone that he uses to send emails but the phone is not capable of making calls. Oh, so he has AT&T.
 
5. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama said if he were able to run for a third term Michelle would divorce him. Although, I’m not sure that would be necessary since Hillary Clinton would surely kidnap him first:
obama

6. According to research, the gender drinking gap, the ratio of men that drink to women that drink, has closed significantly over the past fifty years. So congratulations ladies on breaking the glass ceiling and the glass coffee table.

7. This week, singer Miley Cyrus went door-to-door at George Mason University in support of Hillary Clinton. “Oh, did you forget you shirt or something?” said every guy at the Kappa Episilon fraternity when she knocked on their door.

8. Arrested Mexican drug-kingpin Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman is unhappy that his conjugal visits with his wife have been cut from four hours down to two. Because, if there’s one thing we know about El Chapo it’s that he loves ‘tunneling.’

9. A professor at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, his recently published paper on Nuclear Physics written entirely by Apple’s autocorrect function. The paper reads, “Put your head between your legs and kiss your ducking ass goodbye.”

10. Patrick Murphy, the Democrat in Florida seeking to unseat Marco Rubio, has denied he has ever done business with Donald Trump, even though his family’s construction company built two Trump-branded condominiums. But, in Murphy’s defense, just because you had a contract with and built something for Donald Trump doesn’t mean he actually paid you.

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