July 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, Americans spend four years of their lives daydreaming and escaping reality. Specifically, the next four years:

2. According to NBC News, President Trump has no agenda for his upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “We’re just gonna have a few glasses of wine and see where the night takes us.”

3. Mel Gibson will play Mark Wahlberg’s gruff and disappointed father in the upcoming film ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Gibson was able to stay in character and act disappointed by reminding himself that his son’s name ended in ‘berg.’

4. Tuesday, a mall in Oklahoma was flooded with a mysterious brown liquid, the cause of which remains unknown. “Now, let’s not rush to judgment here,” said the manager of the food court Chipotle.

5. Scientists say that sex robots will become extremely common in about a decade. “Sooner!” yelled Melania.

6. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking recently said that he fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. And, now, for Trump’s response:

7. A restaurant has opened up in a treehouse in Alabama that sells nothing but hot dogs. That story again, the fanciest restaurant in Alabama has opened.

8. Actress Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter this week begging people to stop bullying President Trump and, instead, support him. Which means Newt Gingrich now has some competition for the title of Trump supporter with the biggest tits.

9. President Trump’s tweet of a doctored video showing him slamming a man whose face is obscured by a CNN logo has become Twitter’s most shared post ever. While Twitter’s least shared post ever remains:

10. A set of used golf clubs once owned by President Trump will be auctioned off online. An American History book owned by Trump is also up for sale, but that one’s not used.

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