November 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was caught sneaking a peak at his wife Melania’s ballot while she was casting her vote. Which is not surprising, Trump has a long history of not trusting immigrants.

2. Musician Stevie Wonder proudly announced that yesterday he walked into the voting booth and cast his ballot for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, no one had the heart to tell him:

3. Last night Donald Trump won the state of West Virginia. Although it’s not too surprising that a man who has openly talked about how hot his own daughter is won over the residents of West Virginia.

4. Yesterday, a pregnant woman in Colorado stopped to vote on her way to the hospital to give birth. She said she voted for Hillary because she didn’t think she could handle two juvenile, cry-babies in her life.

5. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said on Tuesday the group’s publication of material linked to Hillary Clinton was not based on any desire to influence the U.S. presidential election. Said Assange, “Come on, we’re not the FBI.”

6. Election officials in three Pennsylvania counties said they believed no ballots had been wrongly counted as a result of computer malfunctions, despite reports on Tuesday that touch-screen voting machines in the state were switching votes. Although, it’s not a good sign that those counties were won by Pat Buchanan.

7. A tiger and polar bear in a Siberian zoo made contrasting presidential predictions on Tuesday, with Yunona, a female tiger, picking a pumpkin carved with the image of Clinton, while polar bear Felix opted for the Trump pumpkin. Although, if you think about it, isn’t picking any pumpkin kinda a vote for Trump?

8. Yesterday, a spokesman for George W. Bush said the former-president did not cast a vote for president. But he did take a picture of his empty ballot and sent it to Jeb just to rub it in.
9. Eric Trump may have broken the law Tuesday after he tweeted a picture of what appeared to be his own ballot with a vote for his father. Which many viewed as yet another attempt by Eric to win his father’s approval, which was ultimately futile because there’s no way Donald follows him on Twitter.

10. Two women were arrested yesterday morning after they staged a topless, anti-Donald Trump protest at a midtown polling location in New York City. Said Trump, “The last time I saw this many topless women screaming for me to ‘get out,’ I was in the contestants’ dressing room backstage at Miss Universe.”

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