1. Today is election day here in the United States. And, if you weren’t aware that there was an election today, please, I beg of you, tell me how you were able to do that.
2. Today is election day here in the United States. And, I’m torn because as a joke writer I hope Trump wins, as a feminist I hope Hillary wins and as a sane, rational person I hope this was all some type of terrible fever dream.
3. In response to a recent Hillary Clinton rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he gets “bigger crowds” than Beyonce and Jay-Z. Said nervous Trump handlers, “He said ‘bigger’ right?”
4. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un plans to launch a nuclear missile on the day of the U.S. presidential election to mock the new leader. “Yeah, he’ll do shit like that. Well here are the keys, don’t call me,” said Obama.
5. Earlier this week, Shane Kimbrough, a NASA astronaut currently living on board the International Space Station, filled out his ballot for today’s presidential election. “We might be joining you soon,” said half the country.
6. Yesterday, in Florida, a 16-year-old high school student and two-time cancer survivor was sent to detention by his teacher because his cancer “survivor” t-shirt violated the school’s dress code policy. Said the teacher, “I’m also not crazy about that skinhead look either.”
7. Singer Justin Bieber is allowing anyone to spend New Years Eve with him for $500,000. Which is a terrible deal because it costs $0 not to.
8. A high school basketball coach in Minnesota was fired after allegedly taping his players in the locker room showers. No wonder the team never got better despite the fact the coach was always busy watching “game tape.”
9. A South Florida man was arrested on Halloween after he was observed driving naked through a neighborhood with electrical wires protruding from his penis. But, in his defense, this was his wife’s costume:
10. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. “Easy fella,” said the horse to Weiner.