November 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump was rushed off a stage in Nevada on Saturday by Secret Service agents during a campaign speech after an incident in the crowd. The last time Trump left a room that quickly, Tiffany was being born.
2. Last week, the Madrid Wax Museum unveiled clay busts of U.S. presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. They also melted a bunch of clay to make one for Ted Cruz.

3. A Houston-area teacher is accused of punching a 2nd grader in the face. But, in the teacher’s defense, the kid reads at a 3rd grade level.

4. Two former associates of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were convicted on Friday for their roles in the “Bridgegate” scandal. Prosecutors were happy with the outcome but said they “had bigger fish to fry,” which is either a veiled threat that they will be coming after Chris Christie or an ingenious way to lure him in.

5. U.S. product-safety officials announced on Friday a mandatory recall of 2.8 million Samsung washing machines. Like their phones, the machines catch on fire, so Samsung is expected to rebrand the them and sell them as dryers.

6. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. The jackass didn’t appear to be having a good time, the horse didn’t seem to like it either.

7. During a speech on Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I’ve actually been called an environmentalist, if you can believe that.” Well, I can believe that someone called you ‘mental.’

8. The Vatican on Friday condemned a right-wing Catholic radio station that said a series of earthquakes that hit Italy in the past three months was “God’s punishment” for the country approving same-sex civil unions. Said the Vatican, “That’s ridiculous, everyone knows it’s the Jews.”

9. A shop on the craft-making website Etsy is selling a pill that, when taken, results in the pill-taker pooping glitter. The last time the words ‘poop’ and ‘glitter’ were uttered in the same sentence critics were reviewing a Mariah Carey movie.

10. Last week, Vladimir Putin granted Russian citizenship to actor Steven Seagal. I guess Putin figures, if Trump can get into politics, he can get into the Celebrity Apprentice game.

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