June 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau claimed that President Trump “actually does listen.” The key, he said, sock puppets:

2. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. So better luck next year to runner-up Jeb Bush.

3. According to a new book, former President Obama dumped his college girlfriend because she was white and he believed he needed to ‘fully identify as African American’ to become president. Coincidentally, Bill Clinton also dumped his college girlfriend, but that happened last week and only after he met a hotter freshman.

4. A Utah man had an image of LeBron James’s crying face tattooed on his leg. The hardest part was explaining to a tattoo artist in Utah what a black guy looks like.

5. According to a new survey, only 36% of kids between the ages of 16 and 19 have summer jobs. But that’s because Jared Kushner has taken all of them:

6. British opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn got a rock star reception at Glastonbury Festival on Saturday, telling millions of young people who voted for him would not be silenced. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders was seen high on peyote at Burning Man:

7. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and many of his colleagues were in attendance including President Trump and Vice President Pence. The ceremony was nice, although there was an awkward moment when Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos tried to shoot the ringer BEARer.

8. According to research, African Americans who experience everyday discrimination may have trouble getting to sleep. “We’d be happy to show them something we call ‘the sleeper hold,’” said the police.

9. Hundreds of well-dressed women marched in central Pyongyang, North Korea on Thursday vowing to seek revenge on the United States. To see that many well-dressed women united in an effort of revenge you’d have to go all the way to the Bill Cosby trial.

10. An article published in a North Korean state newspaper called President Trump a “psychopath.” Which is a sign of progress in talks between the two nations because every negotiation needs to start from a point of agreement.

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