June 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau marched in a gay pride parade while wearing socks commemorating the holy month of Ramadan. Thus combining three things Trump dislikes, supporting the LGBTQ community, honoring Muslims and walking.

2. A judge in Spain has ordered the exhumation of painter Salvador Dali’s body to settle a paternity suit. So, just to be safe, maybe we shouldn’t bury Kevin Federline once he dies.

3. A woman was taped feeding her pet raccoon on a New York City subway last week. “Are you crazy lady, I could have caught something,” said the raccoon looking around the 6-train.

4. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and Vice President Mike Pence officiated the wedding. Pence did such a good job that President Trump said he is considering using Pence for his next nuptials.

5. A female UFC fighter lost control of her bowels during a recent match. Sounds like someone should have put a rear chokehold on herself.

6. A man has set a new world record for farthest distance walked while balancing a power lawnmower on his chin. That story again, David Letterman inadvertently set a world record while shaving:

7. Actor Charlie Sheen is auctioning off Babe Ruth’s 1927 World Series ring. The ring comes with a letter of authenticity and a large bottle of Purell.

8. In a recent interview, President Trump said it is “very bothersome” that special counsel Robert Mueller is good friends with ousted FBI Director James Comey. You sure you want to go down this road, Mr. President?:

9. Actor Alec Baldwin said that he will be bringing back his Donald Trump impersonation to “Saturday Night Live” this fall. But, just to be safe, he’s also been working on a Pence.

10. ‘Food & Wine’ magazine announced that it will move its headquarters from New York to Alabama. So finally we’ll learn whether a red or white goes best with roadkill possum.

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