September 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After her recent case of pneumonia, many are accusing Hillary Clinton of using a body-double to make public appearances when the candidate herself is not feeling well. Or, in the case of Chris Christie, a body-quadruple.
2. According to scientific study, it is impossible for men and women to just be friends. “Still no,” said scientific researcher Carla to her co-worker Ben.
3. An American chef has figured out a way to deep fry water. It is the second most unhealthy way to consume water right behind living in Flint, Michigan.

4. A South Carolina woman was arrested on Monday after she allegedly tried to remove a body from a casket during a funeral service. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Larry King met his last wife.

5. According to a new poll, two-thirds of Republicans want to see Donald Trump’s medical records. While the remaining the one-third don’t want to take the chance that the records may contain pictures.

6. A trial of self-driving Uber cars has begun in Pittsburgh. That story again, there are free cars in Pittsburgh.
7. The pastor who hosted Donald Trump at her church in Michigan, interrupted the Republican presidential nominee during his speech Wednesday to ask him to refrain from attacking his rival Hillary Clinton. Said Trump, “Can I interest you in some Jeb zingers I never got to use?”

8. According to a new study, women would be better off going to sleep two hours before men. Unless, of course, one of those men is Bill Cosby.

9. According to reports, campaign staffers are frustrated with Hillary Clinton’s reluctance to drink water. But, you try living with Bill for thirty years and tell me which one you’re reaching for:

10. Earlier this week, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton revealed to CNN”s Anderson Cooper that she has fainted multiple times before. Well there was Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Dolly Kyle, Eileen Wellstone, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Sally Perdue, Connie Hamzy, Lincoln Sullivan, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky, so I’m guessing she fainted eleven times.

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