1. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.
2. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?
3. According to a published medical study, a woman was hospitalized for days after her skinny jeans caused her to lose feeling in her legs. Said the doctors, “Yeah, I don’t think the jeans were the cause, Mrs. Mills-McCartney.”
4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.
5. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.
6. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”
7. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.
8. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.
9. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.
10. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”