June 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama made news over the weekend by using the n-word in a podcast while discussing race. Marking the first time FoxNews has ever supported Obama.

2. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you’ll think you’re in Germany and no one was better at closing his eyes than Joe Paterno.

4. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Before it goes on sale, the beer will be aged ten years, or, as former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky thinks of it, way too old.

5. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

6. Planned Parenthood has launched a mobile app that lets users request home lab kits that test for two of the most commonly sexually transmitted diseases. Which beats the old way of getting diagnosed, Snapchatting a picture of your junk to the local clinic.

7. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a $27 million plan on Monday to decrease the state’s rising number of heroin and opium addicts. The way the plan works is Massachusetts uses that money to buy all the addicts one-way bus tickets to Rhode Island.

8. General Mills announced on Monday that it will stop using artificial coloring is its cereals. “Well, there goes my General Mills sponsorship deal,” said Rachel Dolezal.

9. A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. So good luck in the legal process to the future Mrs. Charlie Sheen.

10. Last week, Texas schools decided to return deep fryers and soda machines to their school cafeterias. Students celebrated the decision, then quickly got winded and had to take a rest.

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