June 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said a woman will be featured on a redesigned $10 bill by 2020. Which means, theres’s a chance, for the first time in over 20 years, Hillary may be on a Bill.

2. According to a new study, older mothers may have babies who grow up healthier and better educated than infants born to women in their twenties. “I always knew having baby in your twenties was a bad idea,” said the stars of MTV’s “16 & Pregnant.”

3. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest-known person, died yesterday in Michigan at the age of 116. Her family became concerned for her health when she turned to dust.

4. Africa’s richest man, Nigerian Aliko Dangote, announced on Thursday that he wants to buy English soccer team Arsenal. Begging the question, how many goats does it take to buy a soccer team?

5. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump recently said he has better hair than fellow candidate Marco Rubio. Which is a delusional thing to say, but not as delusional as the phrase “presidential hopeful Donald Trump.”

6. Urging people to take action on the issue of climate change, this week Pope Francis said, “the Earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” And, keep in mind, the Pope said this without ever having set foot in Detroit.

7. Netflix announced this week that former “That 70’s Show” castmates Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson have signed on for new series entitled “the Ranch.” Kutcher will play an ex-ball player who returns home to help run the family farm and Masterson, I assume, will work on craft services.

8. According to a new study, artificial trans fats, found in most fast foods, may interfere with one’s memory. But, by the looks of most of the people in those fast food restaurants, they’re eating to forget anyway.

9. A man born without arms threw out a first pitch strike with his feet at a San Francisco Giants game on Monday. “Well, it’s worth a shot,” said the Phillies pitching staff.

10. The White House has been very tight-lipped about a “secret” party thrown over the weekend by the Obamas featuring over 500 guests and performances by Prince and Stevie Wonder. Although one unnamed source in attendance said it sounded, smelled, tasted and felt like a good time.

11. On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Dish Network who fired a Colorado employee who never missed a day of work because he smoked medical marijuana and failed a drug test even though pot is legal in the state. As opposed to Time Warner, who, from I can tell, go out of their way to solely employ people who are high.

12. A thirteen-year-old girl singing an Ed Sheeran song in a Canadian mall on Sunday got the surprise of her life when the pop star, who happened to be shopping nearby, jumped on stage and joined her for a duet. A similar thing happened when a teen sang “Mambo No. 5” and Lou Vega happened to be on his lunch break from Spencer’s Gifts.

13. Just off of a very busy offseason, which included naming Rex Ryan as their new head coach, the Buffalo Bills set a franchise record by selling more than 57,500 season tickets. But, to be fair, many of those tickets were bought by Ryan’s family members and, much like when they fly, they are required to buy two seats.

14. Comedic actors Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig are swapping jokes for melodrama in Lifetime’s upcoming TV movie “A Deadly Adoption.” “What’s the big deal, I’ve been making films without laughs for years,” said Rob Schneider.

15. According to a new study, more than half of the children and teens in the U.S. may not be properly hydrated. “That’s why I always suggested taking a shower,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Friday, it was announced that Yoko Ono will erect Sky Landing, her first permanent public art installation in America, in a park in Chicago next year. No word on whether Chicago knows anything about it.

17. Last week, presidential hopeful Rand Paul said if anyone’s mean to his wife during his campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. “But just if they’re mean to her, right?” said Bill Clinton.

18. In a recent interview, Bill Clinton praised the field of GOP presidential candidates saying, “they’ve got a lot of youth, they’ve got a lot of energy … and they’re no dummies.” Adding, “And, also, there’s Ben Carson.”

19. A firearm accidentally discharged during a weekend wedding at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Said the bride, “I knew we shouldn’t have invited Plaxico.”

20. Tug of war, sumo wrestling, surfing and frisbee are among 26 new sports petitioning to be included in the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo. Really Tokyo? Sumo wrestling? That’s like using the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta to introduce cousin fucking.

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