June 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In celebration of the Supreme Court’s historic same-sex marriage decision, ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s has introduced a new flavor entitled “I Dough, I Dough.” Because, now that you’re officially married, you can let yourself go.

2. The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that the U.S. Constitution provides same-sex couples the right to marry. Leaving guys who told their girlfriends they’ll get married when everyone can get married scrambling for a new excuse.

3. In his dissent on the Supreme Court’s decision legalizing same-sex marriage, Judge Antonin Scalia said if he had written the decision he “would hide his head in a bag.” Hopefully a plastic one.

4. Police in New York are looking for a man seen on the A train this past week masturbating into his own hat. Well, it’s his hat now.

5. Republican presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee urged Christian leaders to channel Martin Luther King, Jr. by resisting the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of same-sex marriage. Because as everyone knows, MLK was very anti-equal rights (you fucking moron).

6. A group of women’s rights activists in Europe are planning to fly a drone into Poland to deliver abortion pills. Which is basically the opposite of a stork.

7. Actor Ben Affleck is attached to a feature film that will focus on the recent corruption scandal in international soccer. So if you like soccer and Ben Affleck movies, you have terrible taste in things.

8. Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC’s “Tonight Show,” had surgery after injuring his hand forcing the cancellation of Friday’s taping. The surgery was reportedly serious, but per usual, Fallon inappropriately laughed through the whole thing.

9. Pope Francis has told the Bolivian government that he would like to chew coca leaves when he visits the country next month. Although we should have suspected the Pope was a coke head since he insists on wearing all white, drives around in a ‘look at me’ car and is always asking for donations.

10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Because apparently those students don’t understand how traffic lights work.

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