June 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski said he is on Twitter under an alias so he can keep track of what his players are doing online. Which probably means Dick Vitale isn’t the only dick he sees regularly.

2. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.

3. Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s offensive remarks about Mexicans. Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant so Univision can’t get back in.

4. Facebook said this week that it has developed a technology that can recognize and tag people’s faces in photos. “We’ll see about that,” said Rachel Dolezal.

5. The San Diego Zoo’s 150 year-old tortoise named Speed passed away last week. “Looks like I won the bet,” said Larry King.

6. Minneapolis, Minnesota was voted the best place to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Disagree,” said the dogs of Minneapolis.

7. A new study found that 1 out of 4 kids in the U.S. have been a passenger in a car with an adult driver who is either drunk or stoned. While 2 out of 2 of Brittney Spears’ kids have.

8. The New York City Department of Consumer affairs says it has discovered “systematic overcharging for pre-packaged foods” at the city’s Whole Foods stores. And, in other news, the sky is blue.

9. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?

10. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said on Thursday he will announce the week of July 13 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. It’s a real “will he or will he” situation.

11. According to sources, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will announce on Tuesday he is running for president. Because, just like when Christie goes swimming, it’s necessary to give the other swimmers a heads up before jumping into the pool.

12. According to a new study, as they age, teenage boys who spend too much time in front of the computer could develop weaker bones. Well, except for one.

13. Authorities have discovered DNA from fugitives Richard Matt and David Sweat in a cabin deep in the woods in Pennsylvania. Because there’s not a lot to do when you’re stuck in a cabin in the middle of the woods.

14. The Massachusetts man who invented the plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament died this week at the age of 79. Per his wishes, his body will be left on his front yard to rot.

15. According to a new poll by Suffolk University, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Which can only mean one thing, Donald Trump has bought Suffolk University.

16. Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has said no in response to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump floating his name for U.S. Treasury secretary. At least that’s what reporters think he said between fits of uncontrollable laugher.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.