June 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a published medical study, a woman was hospitalized for days after her skinny jeans caused her to lose feeling in her legs. Said the doctors, “Yeah, I don’t think the jeans were the cause, Mrs. Mills-McCartney.”

2. PBS announced on Wednesday that it will postpone the third season of “Finding Your Roots” following an internal review that concluded actor Ben Affleck improperly influenced the show to omit the fact that his ancestors owned slaves. Which is big news, because when PBS postpones one if its show, there’s a good chance their viewers may not “be around” by the time it airs.

3. Governor Scott Walker on Wednesday signed into law a bill repealing Wisconsin’s 48-hour waiting period for handgun purchases. Because, obviously, that whole thing down in South Carolina was just about a flag.

4. On Wednesday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced a new initiative under which more than 65,000 students in the city’s poorest-performing public schools will undergo vision screenings and, if needed, given a free pair of eyeglasses. Said de Blasio, “If we can’t actually make them smarter, we can make them look smarter.”

5. Dutch police will temporarily block the route of the Tour de France cycling race on July 5th to draw attention to their pay dispute with the Dutch government. Now comes the hard part, getting anyone to watch the Tour de France.

6. Actor Shia LaBeouf was treated for a head injury he suffered when a stunt went wrong during filming in North Dakota. Luckily, LaBeouf is one of those actors where you’re not gonna notice much of a difference after a head injury.

7. A German convenience store clerk used the hose of a vacuum cleaner to chase away two armed robbers demanding money late Wednesday night. But, the story makes a lot more sense when you find out the robbers were dogs.

8. President Obama made news by saying the n-word while discussing race relations on comedian Mark Maron’s podcast. Maron said he wasn’t surprised by the word since the guest on his last episode was fellow comedian Michael Richards.

9. On Monday, rapper Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Man, first he sampled people’s music, now he’s sampling Suge Knight’s life.

10. On Tuesday, Mississippi weighed in and voiced its disapproval over official displays of the Confederate flag. So congratulations to South Carolina for doing the previously unthinkable, making Mississippi the voice of progress.

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