June 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.

2. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.

3. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.

4. British researchers have discovered around 8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient Egyptian burial ground. To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard.

5. The Orem Owlz, a minor league baseball team in Utah, has cancelled an upcoming promotional night entitled “Caucasian Heritage Night.” Although, isn’t every gathering of people in Utah a celebration of caucasian heritage?

6. Actor Johnny Depp has put his 37-acre, south of France estate on the market for $25.76 million. But don’t worry if you don’t have that kind of money, you still get ripped off by Depp by buying a ticket to any one of his movies.

7. In an attempt to reach younger customers, McDonald’s has created a set of sponsored filters for Snapchat featuring a cheeseburger and fries and a purple heart bearing the company’s logo. Not to be outdone, the Burger King has signed up for Grindr.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham said we are due for a bachelor president. “Yeah, it’s been about 15 years since we had one,” said Bill Clinton.

9. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”

10. Last week, Delaware Governor Jack Markell signed into law a bill decriminalizing possession and private use of small amounts of marijuana. Because if you had to spend eternity next to New Jersey, you’d smoke too.

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