November 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Oprah revealed her annual list of her “Favorite Things.” And, for the tenth year in a row, the list did not include Stedman.

2. A yet-to be-named new international, multi-sport event, featuring games including flag football, skateboarding and jet ski races, may be added to the global sports calendar in 2017. I’m not sure what they will end of calling it, but I’m positive it will be sponsored by Axe Body Spray.

3. On Tuesday, Washington D.C. voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. “Now I really want Hillary to win,” said Bill.

4. The Miami Herald reported on Wednesday that Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using PEDs in an interview with DEA agents back in January. Proving that A-Rod is completely capable of shooting himself in the football even if it’s not October.

5. Roger Freeman, an incumbent Democratic state representative in Washington decisively won re-election on Wednesday despite the fact that he’s dead. Said his challenger, Jack Dovey, “This is bullshit, I won all those debates.”

6. Roger Freeman, an incumbent Democratic state representative in Washington decisively won re-election on Wednesday despite the fact that he’s dead. “Wait, that was an option?” said President Obama.

7. On Tuesday, voters in Oregon and Alaska approved measures to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. So get ready for a contact high, Washington.

8. Programmers in Palo Alto have discovered a new malware that attacks Apple desktops, iPhones and mobile operating systems. “We’ve been called worse,” said Bono.

9. According to Forbes magazine, Beyonce is the highest paid woman in music in 2014, earning an estimated $115 million this year. “That’s weird, I thought she was having money problems because the phone number I have for her says it’s been disconnected,” said Kelly Rowland.

10. A Connecticut man accused of snatching his DWI test results and attempting to eat them was charged with obstruction of justice this week. Said the man, “I wasn’t trying to obstruct justice, I’ve just always been told it’s good to eat something if you’re trying to sober up.”

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