November 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. FIFA has apologized to Ukraine for an error during last week’s presentation of the 2018 World Cup logo in Moscow which showed the Crimean Peninsula as part of the Russian Federation. Although, to be fair, by 2018 it will probably be accurate.

2. Police in San Francisco are seeking clues as to how a bag of meth turned up in the Halloween candy of a 8-year-old girl. Said the girl, “I don’t know what happened, I was the one who knocked.”

3. Actor Michael Fassbender is in talks to play Steve Jobs in an upcoming bio pic. So, no, that’s not an iPhone 6 Plus in his pocket.

4. This week, a couple got married on board a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas. Or, as same-sex couples are referring to it, a loophole.

5. Yesterday, a Florida judge denied a motion to extend voting hours in Broward County after problems were reported at polling locations. Said Broward County residents, “It’s really a moot point since none of us can drive at night anyway.”

6. Yesterday, rapper Lil Jon flew all the way from Los Angeles to Atlanta just to cast his vote in the mid-term elections. Which can only mean one thing, an initiative to legalize marijuana must have been on the ballot.

7. On Tuesday, a federal judge in Kansas ruled that the state’s ban on same sex marriage violates the U.S. Constitution. Which means, in the near future, Dorothy may not be able to tell the difference between Kansas and Oz. “I think we may still be in Kansas, Toto.”

8. Yesterday, Republican Mitch McConnell of Kentucky won re-election to a sixth term in the U.S. Senate. You’d think after six races the hare would have picked up at least a few pointers.

9. A 28-year-old Toronto man is offering free plane tickets to anyone with the name Elizabeth Gallagher, which is the name on the tickets because he purchased them for an ex-girlfriend named Elizabeth Gallagher. In a related story, I also have plane tickets intended for my ex-girlfriend, so let me know if you’d like to accompany me on a trip around the world and you’re name happens to be Angelina Jolie.

10. Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has used his ample fortune purchased over 400 domain names that were derogatory towards him. Which makes the fact that I chose over my second choice,, all the more painful.

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