March 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, the tooth fairy left a record $290 million dollars under pillows last year. No one has spent that much money in bed since Charlie Sheen.

2. During a recent interview, Oprah said she is thinking about running for president in 2020. And she does have a lot of things in common with our current president, for instance, they both hosted popular tv shows, they both have never held government office and they both get annoyed when black people stay in their places rent free:

3. For the first time in its 130-year history, the Harvard Law Review elected a black woman as president. They broke the news to Attorney General Jeff Session by saying, “Harvard has elected a woman as president of Law Review, and it get’s worse.”

4. Scientists have discovered a way to grow human tissue on apples. Although the process isn’t pretty:

5. A group of Parisians, uninspired by the French presidential candidates, have collected over 43,000 signatures calling for Barack Obama to run. Said Barack, “I know I have that French birth certificate lying around here somewhere.”

6. The NFL plans to put microchips in all footballs starting next year. And, in unrelated news, the Patriots have announced the hiring of a new ball boy:

7. President Trump on Tuesday reaffirmed support for the United State’s longstanding security alliances around the world but insisted their allies must “pay their fair share of the costs.” That story again, a man who hasn’t paid taxes in 20 years is whining about others not paying their fair share.

8. Researchers at the University of Alberta released a new study detailing the urine levels in swimming pools. Experts called the report “eye-opening,” while President Trump called it “mouth-opening.”

9. A Florida man is accused of stealing the identity of the drummer of the rock band Nickelback and using it to purchase $25,000 in music equipment. Authorities became suspicious when the man openly and proudly admitted to being a member of Nickelback.

10. A man in Maine is claiming that he saw an image of Jesus on a piece of buttered toast. So, yeah, Maine is exactly as exciting as you always thought it was.

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