September 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin took a shot at President Trump saying, “it’s difficult to have a dialogue with someone who confuses Austria with Australia.” So when the two get together they usually just spoon:

2. Professional golfer Lee Slattery recently revealed that he had to watch the birth of his second child on FaceTime. Even worse, he also used FaceTime to watch the conception.

3. This week, President Trump said Hurricane Irma “looks like it could be something that will be not good.” But, on the plus side,it sounds like those flashcards are finally paying off:

4. It was announced this week that two hundred Gap and Banana Republic stores will be closing. “They really are coming after our heritage,” said white people.

5. The special counsel investigating potential ties between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia has obtained a draft of a letter that explains reasons why Trump planned to fire former FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at it:

6. Earlier this week, an Australian man celebrated his 30th birthday by skydiving naked while playing a violin. “My bad,” said the inventor of the parachute.

7. A cafeteria worker at a school in Florida allegedly had sex with a teenage student in the school’s kitchen. But, don’t worry, they wore protection:

8. A tea company in China has launched that is aimed at depressed Chinese millennials with beverage options ranging from “achieved-absolutely-nothing black tea”, and “my-ex’s-life-is-better-than-mine fruit tea”. Or, if you’re really feeling bad about yourself, Mountain Dew.

9. On Sunday, Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush took to Twitter warning that World War 3 will be brought about by artificial intelligence. But, on the plus-side, that means WW3 won’t be caused by no intelligence:

10. According to new research, during the Bronze Age, women traveled the world while men stayed at home. “So, exactly the same as today,” said Stedman.

11. A computer is being developed that rates how much pain someone is in by detecting small changes in their facial expressions. The highest rating so far was achieved at an 11:30 screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’

12. According to a report, when he dies, actor Nicolas Cage wants to be buried in a pyramid-shaped tomb. Because why should death prevent him from continuing to appear in embarrassing things:

13. Amazon on Tuesday launched Brown Sugar, a new subscription-video-on-demand service featuring what it calls the biggest collection of the “baddest” African-American movies for its prime members. “That’s bullshit, I have the market cornered on bad African-American movies,” said Tyler Perry.

14. Model Kendall Jenner and Los Angeles Clipper All-Star Blake Griffin are reportedly dating. So, I guess that settles it, Blake Griffin is black.

15. This week, a school district in Georgia apologized after a teacher banned her students from wearing Donald Trump shirts in class. That crazy story again, students in Georgia are apparently wearing shirts to school now. What’s next? Shoes?

16. Authorities seized seven live sharks and three dead ones from a pool in the basement of a New York home. Authorities suspect foul play and have a few suspects:

17. In an upcoming interview with ’60 Minutes,’ former White House strategist Steve Bannon said the media image of him is “pretty accurate.” Begging the question, he knows the media image of him is a guy who sucks his own dick, right?

18. This week, the wife of President Trump’s ethic lawyer was arrested for having sex in a car with a 23-year-old inmate. Or, as the Trump administration is trying to spin it, she was involved in prison reform.

19. A man addicted to plastic surgery claims a botched nose job left him with a permanent erection. Which, after all the botox, is the only way people know if he is happy to see them.

20. This week, the Rochester Institute of Technology gave a freshman orientation presentation that suggested masturbation as a deterrent to sexual assault. “If that’s the case, I think I have enough credits to be a senior,” said every teenage boy in the audience.

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