August 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
trump hunting

2. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.

3. According to a new study, being the male breadwinner of a household may be detrimental to that man’s psychological well-being and overall physical health. And, in a related story, Stedman feels great.

4. The state of Oregon has collected $25.5 million in marijuana taxes since the beginning of the year. Now, if they could just remember where they put it.

5. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has repeatedly suggested that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is hiding a mental illness. Although, the point seems less credible coming from a red-faced lunatic screaming at the top of his lungs:
giuliani

6. Los Angeles police are investigating a break-in at the famous Brady Bunch house. The last time that house saw such an unwelcomed visitor, cousin Oliver was moving in.

7. During a Little League World Series game, ESPN cameras caught a coach stopping by the pitcher’s mound to tell his son he loves him. Although, I bet he’d be singing a different tune if his kid were a catcher.

8. Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told interviewers that she does not believe that Trump hurls personal insults. Said Conway, “He nicknamed both Marco Rubio and Michael Bloomberg ‘little’, he called two people by the same name, that’s not personal.”

9. Actor Jonah Hill snorted so much fake cocaine during the filming of “The Wolf of Wall Street” he ended up in the hospital. Although, if you told me there was an actor who OD’d on powder sugar, he would have been my first guess.

10. Scientists are developing an edible form of packaging which they hope will preserve food more effectively than plastic film. “Wait, those Twinkie wrappers weren’t edible before?” said Chris Christie.

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