January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.

2. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.

3. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.

4. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband Barack didn’t become serious about his education until his second year of college. Said former-President George W. Bush, “It’s pronounced ‘collage.’”

5. On Tuesday, Oprah Winfrey posted a message on Twitter saying she has already lost 26 pounds on Weight Watchers and looks forward to losing more unwanted, dead weight. “So, I should pack my bags?” said Stedman.

6. Yesterday, rapper B.o.B took to Twitter to insist that the world is flat. Proving that it’s not that difficult to rhyme words to a beat.

7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to appear in an episode of ‘Homeland.’ Bill Clinton panned the choice saying it proves he doesn’t have the decision-making ability it takes to be president since ‘Girls’ is still on the air.

8. According to the latest poll, Bernie Sanders is beating Hillary Clinton 47% to 46% in Iowa. Although, I’d be suspicious of those numbers since it means Martin O’Malley somehow has 7%.

9. University of Missouri quarterback Maty Mauk was suspended Monday as the school investigates a video of the QB allegedly snorting cocaine. Which explains why Mauk was always able to pull off a two-minute drill in well under a minute.

10. Authorities in California are looking for thieves who stole over 50 pounds of bull semen. And so is the bull, but for a very different reason.

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