September 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yisrael Kristal, the world’s, oldest man is to finally have his bar mitzvah at the age of 113. And, in what can only be described as a very bold move, he’s already started planning his quinceanera.

2. Last week, a kindergarten student in New Jersey brought 30 packs of heroin to school in his lunchbox. Which means there’s a heroin dealer somewhere in Camden carrying around a briefcase full of Lunchables.

3. During his appearance on the “Dr. Oz” show last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said campaigning is “a form of exercise.” “So, maybe everything worked out for the best,” said Chris Christie.

4. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump vowed that, if elected, he will crete 25 million jobs. Of course he will, because someone’s gonna have to do the work of the 25 million Americans who move to Canada.

5. A twelve-year-old Canadian boy who pulled a knife on another young boy while playing a game of basketball has been sentenced by a judge to play basketball at least five hours a week. Begging the questions, what kind of horrific crimes did the players on the 76ers commit to be relegated to that existence?

6. According to some unverified reports, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte allegedly once shot dead a justice department agent with an Uzi submachine gun while mayor. Duterte objects to the reports, but only the ‘once’ part.

7. A Syrian rebel accidentally blew himself and his comrades up while taking a selfie with a phone. But, in his defense, I never know which button to press when taking a picture either.

8. An English teacher in Canada allegedly told a student: “Why don’t you lick me where I fart.” It’s good to hear that students are still be exposed to the masters like Shakespeare, Dickens and Dice Clay.

9. Rapper Coolio was arrested at LAX over the weekend after allegedly trying to board a plane with a loaded handgun. Luckily, the plane wasn’t delayed as another stewardess was able to fill in for him.

10. A Harvard professor published a paper supporting his theory that it is natural and normal for humans to be physically lazy. But, don’t hold your breath for a follow-up report from him.

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