December 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with President-elect Trump to talk about climate issues. That story again, the Great Gatsby met with the Overweight Gatsby

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering formally turning over the operational responsibility for his businesses to his two adult sons, Don Jr. and Eric, but he intends to keep a stake in the business. Although, it’s probably best not to use the word ‘stake’ around Eric:

3. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman, who was homebound for decades, is set to fly to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. That story again, a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman is set to fly to Mumbai in an attempt to get free peanuts.

4. A 1,100 pound woman is set to fly from Egypt to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. Although, ‘fly from Egypt to Mumbai’ seems ambitious, how about ‘struggle to get off the ground from Egypt to Mumbai.’

5. An Indian doctor is set to perform a weight loss surgery on a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman. Because it’s never too early to get ready for bikini season.

6. This week, recent Penn graduate Tiffany Trump was seen touring Harvard Law School. Tiffany is considering becoming a lawyer because she wasn’t hated enough just being a Trump.

7. This week, Pope Francis said, “media that focus on scandals and spread fake news to smear politicians risk becoming like people who have a morbid fascination with excrement,” Begging the question, who has the Pope been hanging out with?
8. Yesterday, astronaut, former-Senator and national hero John Glenn died at the age of 95. I take solace in the fact that he’s in a better place now, specifically, not the US.

9. Pope Francis prayed for the unemployed on Thursday at a statue of the Madonna in Rome. Specifically praying that his son will get a job so he can finally move out of the Vatican’s basement.

10. On Wednesday, a 42-year-old South African began his quest to be the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean via stand-up paddleboard. Which I assume will eventually become a sit-down paddleboard, a lie-down paddleboard and “hey look, there’s a free empty paddle board.”

11. A sexually frustrated Indian man chopped off his penis after his wife refused to have sex with him for ten years. Man, that guy’s gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out about divorce.

12. A Doctor in the U.K. is accused of swallowing a patient’s semen during an examination and telling him to “take it as a sign of appreciation.” Yet another reason why my wife will never be a doctor.

13. In an interview on Wednesday, President-elect Donald Trump said he has done nothing to divide the country. Then added, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue my victory tour where I only visit the states that voted for me.”

14. After President-elect Donald Trump specifically attacked him on Twitter Wednesday night, local Steelworkers Union leader Chuck Jones said he received death threats, but added, “I can deal with people that make stupid statements and move on.” A sentiment which means he’s too mature to be President.

15. Two Ku Klux Klan leaders were charged in the stabbing of a third Klan member before a parade in North Carolina celebrating Donald Trump’s victory. Said Klan members, “How do you celebrate?”

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