June 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say a Utah woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth using pliers in a Walmart restroom. Despite that, the kid still had the most teeth of anyone at that Walmart.

2. According to a new report, housing a prisoner in California now costs more than a year at Harvard. Although, some lucky few will get to experience both in their lifetime:

3. Al Pacino will reportedly play former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming HBO film. It will be the first time since ‘Scent of a Woman’ that Pacino will play a guy who’s not good at seeing what’s going on around him.

4. There is a barber in Brooklyn whose Tourette’s syndrome causes his arms to twitch involuntarily. Which may sound like a bad fit, but it’s better than his pervious job as a mohel.

5. Fashion retailer J. Crew announced that longtime CEO Millard Drexler will no longer serve in that capacity. He was reportedly given a paisley slip.

6. On Monday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that President Trump “doesn’t care what you call” his proposed travel ban. Which is funny, because he seems to get really upset when courts call it “unconstitutional”:

7. Authorities have concluded that a Delta flight that landed at the wrong South Dakota airport last year, did so due to pilot error. But, to be fair, isn’t that how most people end up in South Dakota, by mistake.

8. On Tuesday, Ivanka Trump was spotted in the White House wearing a $35 dress from Target. “That seems out of place,” said people upon seeing Ivanka in the White House.

9. An 8-year-old girl’s soccer team was booted from a tournament in Nebraska after officials mistook her for a boy. Said the girl’s parents, “We are upset at the referee’s misjudgment, but thrilled that we don’t have to watch another soccer game.”

10. People are calling for the cancellation of a planned concert in Bosnia by a Croatian nationalist singer whose songs are offensive to Serbs and Muslim Bosniaks. Yet Nickelback is still allowed to tour even though their songs are offensive to people with ears.

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