November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
 
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:
trump-weddings

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:
hill

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
 
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:
statler

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
 
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:
trump-tower

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
 
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:
burning

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
 
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:
squad

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:
paper

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
trump-salute

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.

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