March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

February 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During yesterday’s White House press conference, press secretary Sean Spicer mistakenly referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as ‘Joe Trudeau.’ But, in Spicer’s defense, you try doing your job correctly and not getting flustered thinking about Justin Trudeau.

2. A new movie streaming service called Brown Sugar, which highlights so-called blaxploitation films, is now available for $3.99 a month. And, only $4.99 if you’re ‘The Man.’

3. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. “In fact, if Michelle wants to move back in and be the First Lady again, I’m cool with that too,” said Melania from New York.

4. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. Because, considering all the scandals and turmoil that have happened in Donald’s first three weeks of the presidency, it’s smart not to make wholesale changes when you’re just renting.

5. Jeffrey Sandusky, the son of convicted sex abuser and former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, has been arrested on child sexual abuse charges. Despite the charges, father Jerry still thinks the worst thing his son Jeffrey ever did was turn 9 and lose his looks.

6. New research suggests that couples who are both obese may have a harder time conceiving a child. Because it’s really hard to know where to put your dick when you haven’t seen it in years.

7. According to a new study, men may be at an increased risk for a fatal heart attack after a major snowstorm hits. This according to your husband as he hands you the snow-shovel.

8. On February 7, just two days after they won Super Bowl LI for their fifth title, the New England Patriots filed to trademark the phrase “Blitz for Six.” “That’s a great idea, what rhymes with one?” said the Cleveland Browns.

9. Last week, a baby in India was born with two penises. Said the doctor who cut the umbilical cord, “I felt like I was in one of those action movies, defusing the bomb, not knowing which wire to cut.”

10. On Monday, Disney cut ties with YouTube star PewDiePie after he posted a video with anti-Semitic imagery. He’s anti-Semitic and a YouTube star, which means he is over-qualified to be in Trump’s cabinet.

November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
 
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:
trump-weddings

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:
hill

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
 
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:
statler

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
 
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:
trump-tower

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
 
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:
burning

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
 
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:
squad

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:
paper

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
trump-salute

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.

March 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. No arrests have been made, but authorities would like to talk to Walmart employee No Teeth Joe.

2. In a recent interview, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said, if elected president, he will do away with the Department of Education. Which is a pretty good idea because if Cruz is elected president it will prove that getting an education isn’t important.

3. A Penn State fraternity has been suspended after allegedly posting on Facebook compromising photos of women, including some who appeared to be asleep or passed out. That’s weird, I thought Bill Cosby went to Temple.

4. According to research, being unmarried and alone increases one’s chances of dying early by 30%. Unless, of course, you’re married to Robert Durst.

5. In the season premiere of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” Kim Kardashian said, in an effort to get pregnant again, she lays flat after sex to let things marinate. Kim lays flat on her bed, or, as she used to refer to it, work.

6. Yesterday, Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy asked the House Appropriations Committee for $8 million to build a replica of the White House to better train agents. Although, if an intruder has gotten into the White House, you’ve already failed. How about a replica of the fence?

7. The French government is on the verge of passing a bill that would ban excessively thin fashion models. “It is the right thing to do,” said French President Sir Mix-A-Lot.

8. According to a new poll, 69% of Americans are not interested in buying Apple’s new smart watch. Or, more likely, 69% of Americans were too busy with their iPhones to look up and answer a simple question.

9. Last week, an Oregon woman who set herself on fire while driving, crashed her car on an interstate and then jumped off a highway bridge to a park below, survived the whole ordeal. Police say she is either the luckiest or unluckiest woman in the world.

10. Mexico is searching for homes for at least 2,000 tigers, elephants, giraffes, zebras and other animals that will soon be banned from the country’s circuses. Said a few entrepreneurial Mexicans, “Do you have any donkeys?”

February 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study suggests that smoking may kill 60,000 to 120,000 more people in the U.S. each year than previously thought. After adjusting the numbers, cigarettes are now responsible for the second most deaths in the U.S. right behind Aaron Hernandez.

2. A new study finds, a year after being hospitalized seniors who enjoyed the arts were only half as likely to attend concerts, films or art exhibits as they had been 10 years earlier. Especially the ones that died in the hospital.

3. Indonesian officials have dropped a plan to require female students to pass virginity tests in order to graduate from high school and apologized after a pyblic backlash. Said officials, “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna let them graduate.”

4. According to a new survey, Pennsylvania residents overwhelmingly support restoring the Joe Paterno statue that once stood outside the football stadium on the Penn State campus. Because there really is no more fitting tribute to the man than something that is in the middle of all the action, sees everything, but is incapable of saying a single word.

5. The Florida cat that crawled out of its grave after a traffic accident is now ensnared in a legal dispute over custody involving its owners and the Humane Society of Tampa Bay. Said the cat, “That’s a tough choice, but I think I’ll go with the people who didn’t bury me alive.”

6. A man and a woman sleeping in a dumpster after a night of drinking at a Florida casino ended up at a hospital after they had to be rescued from a garbage truck. Because I guess that couple needed a little more assurance that they are indeed white trash.

7. A recent study claims that you can tell how many orgasms a woman has had by the way she walks. Which, I guess means Heather Mills is a real freak in the sheets.

8. Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn conceded on Wednesday that his approach to sex is rougher than most men, as he testified during his trial on aggravated pimping charges. Well, if that’s the case, I think he’s really gonna like jail.

9. Kenya has banned the film adaption of best-selling erotic novel “50 Shades of Grey” from its cinemas. Said Kenyan residents, “We don’t want to see an S&M movie, we live in Kenya, every day is torture.”

10. Kanye West will be hosting a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan. Or, more accurately, Beck is scheduled to host a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan and Kanye’s gonna be nearby.