March 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. And, considering how many of my prayers have gone unanswered, I’m guessing the Bible and my cell phone have the same shitty reception.

2. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. “Finally, something more outdated I can carry around,” said Blackberry users.

3. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. And, I have to say, Mike Pence looks great for his age.

4. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. Usually when a 95-year-old man comes out of the closet it’s because he got confused while looking for the bathroom.

5. Yesterday, during a talk with workers at HUD, Ben Carson referred to slaves as ‘immigrants.’ Once again, this has been your weekly reminder that this guy used to operate on people’s brains.

6. A wedding party en route to the ceremony in Iowa ended up with the wedding photo of a lifetime when their party bus burst into flames. Said the groom, “I probably shouldn’t have asked God for a sign.”

7. A new trend has emerged of people sending postcards to the White House addressed to President Bannon. So now Trump can’t even go get the mail which was one of the last things they let him do unsupervised around the White House.

8. A Minnesota mailmen is being charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a dog on his route. The dog’s owners became suspicious when the dog only humped their legs on Sundays.

9. Last week in Japan, authorities discovered the body of a man underneath a massive pile of pornographic magazines. So let that be a lesson to you kids, online pornography saves lives.

10. Over the weekend, the TSA announced new pat-down procedures that federal officials describe as a more “comprehensive” physical screening. But, on the plus-side, you’ll no loner have to get a separate colonoscopy.

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