June 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York’s Shakespeare in the Park is putting on a production of “Julius Casear” in which the ancient assassinated Roman leader resembles President Trump. They’ve taken some real liberties with the original text, for instance, they changed the iconic line to “beware the frieds of starch”:

2. On Friday, in response to the U.S. pulling out the Paris Climate Accord, Germany’s Environmental Minister said that the climate will last longer than the Trump presidency. But to be fair, I think I have some milk in my fridge that will outlast the Trump presidency.

3. Vice President Mike Pence’s family cat, Oreo, died last week. Eric and Don Jr. have been named as ‘persons of interest’:

4. According to Nielsen data, Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony before Congress last week drew 19.5 million viewers. Said President Trump, “That’s nothing! My obstruction of justice trial will bring in way more!”

5. When asked on Friday what advice she would give President Trump, democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said he should get some more sleep. Which doesn’t make sense, because under that logic, Ben Carson would be our best president ever:

6. While giving a graduation speech in Brooklyn last week, Hillary Clinton said, “I wish I had flown in from the White House.” “Flying away from the White House is my favorite part too,” said Trump:

7. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have added 15 events, including six events that involve men and women competing on mixed teams. Or, as Mike Pence refers to it, adultery.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Saturday that he will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Looks like they’re already preparing for his testimony:

9. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. To make sure his body stays fresh, they put one of these in his casket:

10. Saturday night, President Trump crashed a wedding that was being held at his golf club in New Jersey. Because, if we know one thing about Trump, it’s that he likes attending weddings:

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