June 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Kellyanne Conway, a top adviser to President Trump, was overhead mocking fellow White House staffers at D.C. party. But I don’t believe that, because if Conway was in attendance there’s no way it was a party.

2. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. But, I assume, that’s because the food don’t stay in your body long enough to do any real damage.

3. President Trump reportedly told British Prime Minister Theresa May that he wants to postpone his state visit to the U.K. if large-scale protests disrupt his trip. “I completely understand,” said May:

4. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ while visiting his golf club in New Jersey this past weekend, President Trump had several 1-on-1 conversations with Governor Chris Christie. Or, to me more accurate, several 1 1/2-on-1 3/4 conversations.

5. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke said on Monday he has recommended that President Trump reduce the size of the Bears Ears National Monument in Utah. Because there’s no better way to discredit former-President Obama presidency than to go after a national park named after ears:

6. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Although, I’m not sure it works that way. You can’t just unilaterally decide to join a better situation, unless, of course, you’re Kevin Durant.

7. According to a new study, enduring unkind co-workers and bosses can have a negative effect on your health. Don’t believe me? This is what Sean Spicer looked like a year ago:

8. A person paid $133,000 for two floor seats to last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals to witness the Golden State Warriors win their second title in three years. And, if I’m that fan I’m pissed, because LeBron’s teammates got to sit court-side and be spectators for free.

9. According to reports, Russian state actors are posing as attractive young women on Facebook to friend American service members and gather intel. The Russians reportedly got the idea from the Slovenians:

10. Over the weekend, drag-queen Michelle Visage emceed a charity fundraiser in place of actress Sharon Stone, who suddenly feel ill. Guests figured out it wasn’t Stone when Visage crossed and uncrossed her legs.

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