March 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. After pledging to donate his entire presidential salary to charity, Donald Trump is now refusing to release proof that he is doing so. Although, I can’t think of a better word for supporting these two than ‘charity’:

2. Yesterday, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway said former President Obama could have used “microwaves that turn into cameras” to spy on President Trump. Conway claimed that she saw a documentary about machines that look like one thing but are secretly another:

3. Yesterday, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway said former President Obama could have used “microwaves that turn into cameras” to spy on President Trump. Which is why President Trump makes sure when he pisses on a bed surrounded by a group of Russian prostitutes he doesn’t do so in a room with a microwave.

4. On Monday, when pushed to say whether President Trump has any evidence to support his wiretapping claim, aid Kellyanne Conway said “she’s not Inspector Gadget.” So now we just have to wait for Steve Bannon to type up and release his statement on the matter:

5. During a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “I basically have zero contact with my father.” Marking the first time I have every been jealous of Donald Trump Jr.

6. On Monday, President Trump held his first full cabinet meeting in the White House. It was held in there presumably because Skull Island was already booked:

7. This week Snoop Dogg premiered a new music video in which the rapper pulls a gun on a Donald Trump look-a-like. Upon seeing the video, President Trump said, “Why would Ben Carson do such a thing?”

8. In a recent interview, Brazilian President Michel Temer said ghosts drove him out of the country’s official residence. “On it,” said Joe Biden:

9. On Monday, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said fourteen million Americans would lose medical insurance by next year under the new healthcare bill proposed by the Republicans. Bernie Sanders called this result “disgusting and immoral,” while Paul Ryan called it, “a good start.”

10. During a question and answer session this week, billionaire Mark Cuban referred to Donald Trump as “the Zoolander president.” Which is really worrisome because there was a sequel.

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