May 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Ryan Seacrest has been named Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host on ‘Live with Kelly.’ Not to be outdone, Brian Dunkleman was just named the weekend assistant manager at a Best Buy in La Jolla.

2. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And maybe she’ll even sign a few, it wouldn’t be the first time Ivanka has signed her father’s name on his behalf:

3. On Monday, President Trump questioned why America fought in the Civil War. But, considering Trump’s penchant to sue, berate and name call anyone who disagrees with him, I’m guessing he’s questioning the ‘civil’ part.

4. Taco Bell announced that it will start offering beer on some menus in restaurants in Canada. Because why should you stop drinking once you get to Taco Bell.

5. Scientists have developed a new robotic drill that can conduct brain surgery in two and half minutes. Now, if they can invent a machine that comes up with crazy theories about the pyramids, we’ll have absolutely no use for Ben Carson.

6. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad during the recent budget negotiations. Also making Trump look bad, reporters who ask him questions and then record his answers word-for-word.

7. A new study found the prices for generic topical steroids to treat skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis are on the rise. You don’t say:

8. Bitcoin surged to an all-time high of $1,400 on Tuesday, And, I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Yay?”

9. Rock band the Eagles have filed a lawsuit accusing the owners of a Mexico hotel of using the name ‘Hotel California.’ While the members of Smash Mouth are suing the Days Inn because they weren’t paid overtime on their last shift.

10. President Trump and his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, agreed on a phone call on Tuesday to try to meet sometime in July. But, until then, sexting will just have to do.

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