May 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the Canadian Post Office issued a limited edition series of seven Star Trek stamps. Said Star Trek fans, “I’ll have to ask my very real girlfriend who lives in Canada to buy me some.”

2. After being personally invited to the White House by President Trump, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte said he may be too busy to visit. Or, as it is known here in the states, pulling a Melania.

3. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will become Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host on ‘Live with Kelly.’ “WHO!!!?!?!!!?” said Regis shouting into his rotary phone.

4. A Fox News contributor said in a lawsuit filed on Monday that she was taken off the air after writing an article about a medical condition that would likely leave her infertile. Doctors say the condition can be caused by genetics or prolonged exposure to Bill O’Reilly.

5. In a new interview, President Trump said, “People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War?” I don’t know Donnie, why don’t you as your friend Frederick Douglass.

6. On Saturday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio joined a group of Native Americans and took part in the Climate March in Washington D.C. The march went noticeably better than the last time Leo hung out with a bunch of Indians:

7. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Of course, to keep his attention, they used this map:

8. BMW and MINI have developed a car that changes color based on the driver’s mood. Although, if you’re driving a MINI, I’m guessing depressed.

9. Last week, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg surprised an Ohio family by showing up to their house for dinner. While, Tom from MySpace wants to know if there were any leftovers.

10. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. Said the cashier, “Code red! I repeat, code red! This is not a drill!”

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