May 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:

2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.

3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”

4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.

5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.

6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”

7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.

8. A recent defector from North Korea says that being gay is completely unheard of in that country. Which explains why there are no good hairdressers there:

9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.

10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy:

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