1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:
2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.
3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”
4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.
5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.
6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”
7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.
9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.
10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy: