April 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. So now it’s just a waiting game to see if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends him for one or two games.

2. A Japanese artist, on trial for obscenity after making objects modeled from her vagina, said on Wednesday that there was nothing wrong with her artwork, except maybe the smell.

3. Police in Pennsylvania said on Tuesday that the tombstone of Hillary Clinton’s father had been knocked over in a possible case of vandalism days after she announced her presidential bid. Or, as FoxNews reported it, Hillary’s father is rolling over in his grave over the latest Benghazi reports.

4. In a recent interview, Jerry Sheindlin, husband of TV’s Judge Judy, said his wife is terrific in bed. After which the interviewer had to take a 30 minute recess to finish puking.

5. During a Q&A session on Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said he spends 50 to 60 hours a week working. “That seems low,” said the average American worker, “I easily spend 70 to 80 hours a week on Facebook.”

6. According to a new poll, men are twice as likely to buy the new Apple Watch than women. Said such men, “What’s a woman?”

7. After a 28-year partnership with Coca-Cola, the NBA has signed a new sponsorship deal with Pepsi under which Mountain Dew will become the league’s official soft drink. Which, I assume, is a pretty ingenious way to try to sterilize the players.

8. ‘Fast & Furious 7’ has made over $500 million at the box office. Oh, sorry, I should have used the movie’s full title ‘Fast & Furious 7: The Unexpected Virtue of the Audience’s Ignorance.’

9. During a news conference on Saturday, President Obama said that Hillary Clinton would be an “excellent president.” But, keep in mind, he also thought he’d be good at it too.

10. New York City firefighters used a rope-and-pulley system on Friday to move a 700-pound man from his sixth-floor apartment to an ambulance. There were some tense moments during the ordeal, but none as scary as everyday life for the man who lives in the apartment beneath him.

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